No sitter. in Since OD is shutting down....

Alright so my Mom agreed to watching my daughter tonight, she’s backed out because I refuse to ride in the same car with my little brother. I invited him to go and he finally decided a couple of hours ago that he wanted to come but my Mom doesn’t care that he’s scary as FUCK and doesn’t like to really go anywhere or stay for any amount of time. I tried to explain this to her that he would have to take his own car because I’m terrified of him and I don’t want to get up there and have him decide after 10 minutes that he’s ready to go.

My little brother is a controlling dictator just like my Dad and is really weird about going places because he’s never really gotten to. He’s been scary with me multiple times over the years and has been absolutely crazy in the car before. I am not going to put myself in a predicament where I could end up losing my life because he got mad. He’s off his rocker and needs a lot of help.

I wanted to go out tonight but I didn’t really have too high of hopes because I knew SOMETHING would fuck it up. My Mom also acts like if I want her to babysit, I’m at her mercy. I really have deep seeded issues with that and that’s why I don’t ask her to watch my daughter anymore. It just turns into a really sick mind game where it’s going to be HER way and I’m to comply. This is why I feel like people have done nothing but use my child to bring out the absolute worst in me.

Honestly, I am truly sorry for ever needing anyone. It’s really hard being a single Mom and everyone around me has made it as miserable as they possibly can. I’m very angry to be in this predicament but I know that it’s going to get better because my daughter won’t always need someone to look after her. She’ll get old enough to be home alone.

I’m so alone and sometimes it really weighs heavy on my heart. My only response is anger anymore. I will always wish it was different but I’ve gotten a lot better of living in the moment and not letting myself get triggered. I feel like everyone is satisfied once they’ve gotten the reaction out of me that they were desperately craving but I’ve gotten a lot better at just shutting down and letting things be what they are. I’ve taken my power back by not giving people what they want which is to see me raging.

I’m going to take my daughter to do something fun tonight. We both need to get out of the house a little bit. She understands that Gramma isn’t coming tonight. I’m happy that she took it pretty well. I’m pissed that my Mom told her yesterday that she was coming and she’s been so excited for her to come tonight but she’s okay with us going to do something instead. It really sucks that my Dad or my little brother always have to mess things up for either my daughter or myself but it is what it is.

  All I can say is that I'm not at all surprised that I wasn't gonna get to go. I'm glad that I didn't really get too excited about it. I at least got to go to counseling a couple of times this Summer and my dr appointment.

More later.