5:00 AM in Hello

Lying on the couch, fighting sleep. Don’t know why.

My back, knees and feet hurt even after taking some Tylenol.

Started reading Hannibal last night. Mason Verger is the most sadistic villain I’ve come across in fiction and I truly hate him. There is a part in the book where it describes a play room full of toys that orphans from the foster programs he funds come to play. He has the kids brought to his bedside so he can bully them to tears (and thumb sucking in this case) so his nurse can wipe their tears and ring them into a martini glass so he can drink them. I’ve seen the film so knowing his crippled ass gets eaten, alive and screaming in pain, by wild hogs at the end is satisfying but still, that’s plagued my mind all night at work. Cruelty for cruelty’s sake. That subplot wasn’t in the film.

After this…I dunno. I’m gonna hopefully find a funny book to read. My mind needs a cleansing.

I stood most of the night at work, hence my aches and pains. The machine’s cycle time was roughly forty seconds? I ran all of the one-hundred sixty-two parts I had by 9 PM. The other machine was roughly ten minutes so I got to rest a bit the last two hours at work.

My eyes are burning and watering up. I really should try to sleep but I don’t want to. Again, no clue why. Afraid to dream, maybe? I did have a very cool (albeit weird) dream in the morning where actor Breckin Meyer, Pee Wee Herman and I all piled into a camper for a road trip.

Yes, you read that right. There was a lot more to it, ending with me running down the stairwell of a large office building yelling Pre Wee’s Playhouse is back!

Maybe what I read in the book disturbed me more than I thought and my subconscious was needing a good memory from childhood. Used to watch that show every Saturday morning when I lived in Indiana. I was nine.

Maybe the appointment with Dr. Gilbert bothered me a lot…no. It did. Deep down I feel alone and abandoned by what she said. The thought of a new doctor scares the shit out of me. Getting to know one another, building trust…opening up. It’s SO much and I hate feeling raw like this. Especially when I asked my “hypothetical” question about medication and she confirmed it. I will be on some form of medication/stabilizer the rest of my life.

I knew there something broken in my head and suspected I would need the meds but to have it confirmed. Kinda like a slap in the face. “Sorry dude! You’re beyond fixing. Here’s your prescription, now go stand in line at the pharmacy and start sucking your thumb.”

I didn’t ask for any of this…

“I know that starting over is not what life’s about
But my thoughts were so loud i couldn’t hear my mouth
My thoughts were so loud…”
Modest Mouse “The World At Large”

Last updated August 11, 2022