well. it's aug. er twice last wk. and somewhat why. my toes. migraines are better. and nearing the end of my 34th yr. reflections. you will be found. somewhere. there's a place for us. in 2022.

so. right like i said i was in the ER twice last wk. first on thurs. bc i thought it was a kidney problem. and. the ct scan didn’t find anything there. second. on sat. bc i thought i had appendicitis. luckily i don’t it’s something um minor.
oh as for my toenail. i um. actually. i cut the infected part off. and cancelled the um. toe appt. so. my toes are all good. my toes. my migraines. actually i haven’t had one in almost 2 wks. and i hope i don’t again. last month god last month was hell. thank god it’s over. my mom’s back. [where’d she go?] well. she was overseas w/ my sister for most of last month. we’re. we’re better now my mom & i. long story for now.
but yeah. like i said. as. i said it’s aug. which means. it’s my bday month. it’s almost my birthday [well no not almost. it’s the 17th actually.]. what i want. besides a few physical things. what i really want. is to be in no new/unexpected physical pain. and light. like really. some emotional light. and so far, medically at least. this month i’ve gotten it. the emotional light i mean. we need some light.
so. nearing the end of my 34th yr. i’ve felt so. lost. [woman here btw ‘she/her’.]. up untill like. thurs. i think i was always so. sure of what my body was telling me. like if i had a sprain [which i don’t atm btw] i knew ‘yep that’s a sprain’. i was always so certain. i would’ve, as they say, bet money on it. i took dance for 10 yrs. from 4 - 14 [if anyone’s surprised by this. it’s bc it’s not something i talk about much] and for a semester in college. so. basically i took dance for 10 yrs. and. i know. how er. imperitive the body-knowledge, for lack of a better term. is. i know. how imperitive it is for one to know. their own body. yes. bc i had that. but. but now?
i. i thought i knew who i was. but now? i’m not so sure. and. i’ve gotten used to the feeling of being lost. but. whoever it is. i am or connect to. it’s going to be gorgeous. and real. and amazing. Quite a force. it’s. i know that much for sure. one thing i’m very certain of. is that. regardless of when it happens. or why. somewhere. there’s a place for me. like that song i love.
my mom. has emotionally stepped back. no, i mean in terms of medical stuff. and. that’s hard for me. i mean i knew at some point. . . it’d happen. but i didn’t know it’d be. this soon. no, she’s ok. she’s still here. but then. ‘all of a sudden’. we’ve talked about it. she knows some, of my feelings on the matter. as for my dad & i we’re. we’re not in a good place at least i’m not w/ him. i. don’t want to go into it right now.
maybe i should get a cat. this little sweet thing who’ll rely on me for everything and i, it. theoretically yes, that’s a great idea. in actuality. . . .i’m guessing not. it’s. this is bigger than ‘oh i want a job’ feeling’. or ‘i want to travel more’ feeling. it’s bigger then that. i. i really don’t know how to explain it. it’s not loneliness i don’t think or depression. it’s. it’s just. i want more. what, i couldn’t tell ya right now. it’s not physical. i. i legitimately don’t know how to articulate or explain it. so. anyone reading this who doesn’t understand. well. y’all are as lost as i am.
but. i think. i’m ok being lost. for now. just here. lost. present in this. nearing the end of my 34th yr.

i’ll end this entry. w/ the following thoughts/songs:
you will be found. dear evan hanson.
somewhere. there’s a place for us. west side story.
we need some light. next to normal.
Be well. my gorgeous creatures - ‘flesh & bone’

catch me. i’m falling. not frighteningly but yes. here. falling. lost. present. catch me i’m falling [ - from ‘next to normal’. ].

catch me i’m falling.