Life, or lack thereof. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve been hard timing it today. I see on that filthy website that he has a cell phone number and he was trying to find hook ups. I’m not jealous that he hooks up with people but I’m jealous that I don’t get to do that. I’m upset that I’ve missed out on countless appointments and really important things that would improve my daughter’s life as well as my own because I don’t have anyone to watch her.

My weight is a huge health issue and I can’t do anything about it because I don’t have a sitter. My Dr. has referred me to the hospital to start working on stuff but I can’t plan to go until my daughter goes back to school. I missed something really important yesterday because there was no sitter.

Watching my life completely pass me by and just be one big blur is really starting to get to me. I’ve tried taking my daughter with me to stuff knowing that kids weren’t allowed and I’m told to reschedule. I’ve taken her with me to job interviews where they straight up told me if you don’t have a sitter for the interview then how would you plan to have a job. I’ve asked multiple times if I can bring her with me to things where children aren’t allowed because I don’t have anyone to watch her and they say no.

I just think it’s bullshit that her Dad lives here, his family is here and my family is here and I can’t rely on anyone to ever help out! My daughter was in daycare 6 days a week while I worked and not one person ever took her even once a month so she could get a change of scenery. I’ve done everything I can to make my situation better but there’s only so much I can do when I’m doing it alone.

It’s just bullshit that there’s no fucking help, even when I’m in a serious predicament but he gets to walk around without a care in the world finding women to hook up with while I sit here clinging to the last shred of sanity I have left because I don’t get a break, even for an hour. I also think it’s crap how much he’s manipulated and gaslit me into believing that he shouldn’t have to pay any child support either.

This has been the longest and most grilling Summer of my life. I’m still sitting here waiting for our family friend to come fix my car. He’s gotten paid for both and I haven’t heard from him since Saturday. I made an appointment for it next week as I have to get it fixed before it gets towed from my house. I can’t just sit and wait for someone to decide they are going to get around to fixing it. I was told a day or two and it’s now Tuesday. I don’t even care if I have to max out my credit card, I have to fix it because I refuse to allow it to get towed. Then not only do I still have to fix it, but then I’d have to pay for the impound.

It’s just crazy how people make things as miserable as they can. I’m honestly just getting too old to keep dealing with this shit. It’s going to be really nice to be able to work and just take my shit to an actual mechanic.

Today is miserably hot and it’s going to be for the next several days. My Mom has agreed to watching my kid Friday night but she’s really good at saying she will but there’s no promise of it actually happening. I know that it probably won’t so I’m not going to be surprised when it doesn’t. I also asked her to come with us the day before school starts so I can sign my kid up for the after school program but it falls on my Dad’s birthday so I’m sure he’ll sabotage that too.

I’m just going to be happy once I am able to have my own life and start prioritizing myself. I haven’t had that in so long and I’m definitely ready.

It’s really annoying asking anything of my Mom because my Dad does EVERYTHING he can to sabotage things. I asked her to come with me to get my kid signed up for the after school program which happens to fall on his birthday and he was super quick to remind me of that. It’s okay okay well my Mom sits at home 24/7 with you and I’m asking for about an hour of the fucking day! I’m pretty sure he’ll make sure that doesn’t happen too! Literally any time I ask my Mom for her to even come around, he does what he needs to to prevent it!

Like I’m going to be just so fucking happy when I don’t have to ask for shit from anyone. I have also realized that from not having firm and clear boundaries with people, it’s made it easy for them to use and abuse. My brother won’t do a fucking thing to help me even though I’ve always watched his kid and been the DD anytime we’ve gone out together. I’ve been the DD for 20 years. I’ve also been super independent so no one has had to help but now that I’m having car problems, he isn’t willing to help whatsoever. I wonder how many miles I’ve ran in 20 years being his DD and then when I need help, he is no where to be found! I blame myself for this shit and I can say I will NEVER go out of my way to help anyone anymore.