Scared Of Everything in Hello

Seems like everything is getting to me at once tonight.

Let’s see…death has been on my mind lately. Specifically mom. She’s no sprung chicken anymore and I’m not sure I can take over this house with what I make.

Speaking of pay, got way too drunk Sunday night (story of my life) and woke at right as I was supposed to be at work. Stupid stupid stupid. I called in with a lame excuse and I hope I’m not in any big trouble. I fell back asleep and got up close to 6:30. So of course I’m wide awake at 3:52 AM.

I see Dr. Gilbert at 8:30. I’m going to tell her everything. Life has no meaning to me anymore. There is no joy. Work, sleep, rinse, repeat. I really wish Michelle would see me again. Her and I had a great understanding of each other. I refuse to go back to the CBT doctor ‘cause he was a dick. I’m gonna ask her for something other than Antabuse.

For those that don’t know, Antabuse is the pill that makes you sick if you drink. Only problem? It doesn’t work on everyone. Guess who is in that latter category? 🤚

I dunno, something needs to change in my life.

Peacock emailed me a little while ago with two pictures. One was of us and the other of me solo. What she wrote I can’t get out of my head.

“Please get back to this guy. I miss him.”

I was sober in those photos.

I’m tired.
Real tired.
Mentally and physically.

I am the king of self sabotage. Michelle pointed that out perfectly.

There is a line from A Girl In Red song that goes, “when there’s control, I lose it.” Or my personal quote, “Those bred in chaos thrive in it.” I’ve done it every time. Things will go smoothly for a while then I’ll throw a monkey wrench into the work and everything goes to hell. Pure insanity.

Anyways, think I’m gonna lay here and stare at the TV a bit. Finally finished Silence Of The Lambs earlier. Good read.

Last updated August 09, 2022