unscrupulous insecurity in Second 1st

I didn’t get another message from Jake till they got to their destination. I’d said a few things.... maybe something about Tabitha (the girl in the argument) taking advantage of him. During the period when he was so quiet insecurity took over. I’d said something that Cassie (ex-wife) might have said and he’s shut me out, I just know it. Then when he did say something it was literally just “we made it” and the address of the destination.... I then went on to question if I’d done something.....

Logic says.... it was a long day and he was driving… not to mention he had company he didn’t need my texts to give him something to do. He had people to talk to other than me. Not to mention.... his unmarried in Uncle (20 years with an Aunt) is dying and he’s trying to be there for her.... and… and.... the more I think about it this morning the more it feels like excuses and not reasons. .... but I’m a married woman and this is a long-distance thing we both know we shouldn’t be doing.... There are relationship exceptions I have to make if I want it to continue. I can not have insecurity knowing he’s focused on something. He did think to let me know they had gotten there.... and had mentioned napping on the way.... but he’d also said he was driving the way back.... so in the 3 hours back he’d not thought to look at my messages? .... and what’s 3 hours Jen.....

Obviously, the measurement of time is different when you are with people than it is when you are alone. .... “Time flies when you are having fun.” All for nothing too.... my own doing… as when he did respond I was asleep....

I’d had trouble doing so and was up a good hour after I’d laid down intending to sleep. I know I wasn’t asleep at 8:30.... and don’t remember after that.... I’d woken at 12:38 and used the bathroom.... looked at my phone and saw “I don’t recall you saying anything that would have caused me to be annoyed or mad at you love.”..... AH anxiety.... insecurity.... what amazing bitches you can be. I sent him a reminder to plug in his phone and went back to bed.

Rocky came home 2 hours early yesterday.... no idea why but when he opened the door I was standing at the fridge. Left Jake messages as soon as I could that Rocky was home. Rocky asked if I wanted to go get the stuff he needed to fix my car with so he could get it started in the morning..... YES! So we ran off and he paid for it.

This morning I’m borrowing his car. it’s 3:10.... I’ve washed a load of clothes and I will throw them in the drier momentarily. I’ve unloaded the dishwasher and will reload it after I moves the laundry. Then, I’m going to put some green tea and ice in a ball jar.... redneck I know but I need a bottle in Rocky’s car his cup holders are trash.... which reminds me to get that Sonic carrier out of my car.... and my charger.... I’m going to take the attachment I need for the blue tooth and watch Tic Tok this morning ..... extra therapy if I’ve got time..... I can work till 9 then I’ve got to be back so Rocky can give plasma at 10. Hopefully, he’s gotten up and done the things and we will be able to get some oil in it and move on when he gets back. I have no real intention of going with him as I know that will cause “Let’s just eat at x on the way home.” It’s unfortunate though because he will probably forget a large jug o’ oil to get me back on the road.

Tuesday, I have an appointment with a hematologist .... the last labs done showed low white blood cell counts so I’ve been referred........ watch my luck.... I have no idea what low whites cells even indicate… can’t trust a quick Google on that one.... They sent me a huge packet to fill out and now I have to call my mom to ask her about family cancers :(.... at such a delicate time for her family sister in stage 4 now.... UGH! I need to fill that out today though....

I also need to get ahold of someone at Med-EL about the 2 classes I missed and the information I’m unsure of on the registration forms. .....

I also need to call Symetra about their final decision on the disability appeal..... I don’t want to … knowing will mean I need to either go back to work in a job that will make my life hell again or quit that job.... A job I’ve worked at for 9 years.....

It’s a new week.... my pay will come in tomorrow for the previous week.... but to make up for what I missed out on yesterday I have to make 76.85 a day.... and I’ve only got like 4 hours to do it this morning.... it’s 3:26… time to get this ball moving I guess.... hey maybe we will get the mailbox up this afternoon.... ya never know....