Alone in the night in Journal 2022

I felt lonely, so I decided to write today.

I miss having someone to talk to at night. I don’t really do much besides study for school (I got my aid back yay), write, watch TV or comment on tv.

I feel dead inside. Like a robot following a program that’s been coded into my DNA. I know it’s gonna go away eventually but I really, miss him or really, the feeling if being cared for badly.

It’s not that I don’t think anyone IRL or else online I befriend doesn’t love me. I know it, not think it. I know that the type of love I crave will never be reciprocated and I don’t want to get my hopes up again.

So if that means not eating alot for days and sleeping barely and crying, I’m fine with it. I don’t check on him anymore, I don’t want to get my heart squeezed and squeezed until it pops. I still think about what he said to me, about my personality and I honestly feel like i retreated back into my shell to avoid making anyone else feel that way about me.

Life is going on without me and I need to get a move on. Alot has been happening iRL and online. Someone I mentioned in a few entries died, three days ago. It’s not really what I considered death but my spiritual beliefs are rather wacky.

I felt bad because one of the last things we talked about where my relationship issues. It just shows how, even when someone could just dissappear, you can be a really selfish person at the end of the day. I know she’s happier and I know she’s off, living a better life as everyone worked as planned for years but I feel sad for her family.

I wish she had enjoyed her time, here, way better than how it worked out. I know her close friends and husband and sister are happy for her but miss her. I felt like God, when my turn comes, when I go,would anyone even know how or why?

It’s crazy. I would be talking to Joseph about it if this happened a few months ago but now I can only talk about it to myself.