Super long but mostly nothing in Second 1st

I’ve accumulated a fair bit of a list of things to talk about .... it will get deleted when I’m done so ya’ll will never see it but at this moment it feels a bit daunting. So excuse me if this feels disjointed. I will have to take breaks.....

So to recap and round off last week. Rocky got the brakes done and got me back on the road. I’ve been working hard trying to make up for lost time/money.... my Doordash goal is $450 a week, which needs to go up a bit.... alternatively we need to stop eating out 4 days a week for lunch. We had a talk about the bills the other night. Rocky got paid Friday and I took everything to pay the house note (879) and electric (208 which is a bit high for us honestly). “We currently have 2.86 in the house account so don’t buy anything till Tuesday.” Rocky looks at his phone and starts to move some money from his personal account to the house. “You can’t do that Rocky.” “Why?” “Because that 200 needs to go for next month’s house note. You are paying the house note.” “I only get 202 a week” “Yup, I had to take 50 out of savings to get things paid. I can’t keep doing that. As much as I hate to say it, we are super tight till you put in some extra effort.” there was silence for a bit “I’m doing as many deliveries as I can. I’m up super early and I work till I’m nearly sick. I come home eat and nap on weekends and go back out generally 2-5. I honestly can’t do any more other than to work when you are home and raise the goal amount for the week.” “I don’t want you to do that.” “Then I need you to really get on this plasma donation and consider doing some overtime.”.....

In reality, the solution is to stop eating out. Friday was Rocky’s birthday and after going to work he was asked if he wanted to go home. He used vacation time so it won’t affect the paycheck.... but when I came home I asked him what he wanted for lunch and then spent $35 on it. Hence I had to use money from the savings to pay the bills.....

I’m fairly sure it’s not as tight as it feels… I’ve been squirreling away a bit here and there and have $100 in my personal savings.... and I did manage to have $50 to move.... plus we had the brakes which weren’t expected… and the mailbox.... but I also haven’t made payments on the 2 MRI bills this month

BTW the mailbox isn’t finished yet.... because when I got to a point when I needed help Rocky was still working on brakes … he told the post office 1 more week so hopefully he will be determined to get it done this week.... BUT....

I must have hit something in my car.... Yesterday I got up and headed out and noticed a large puddle. I checked the brake fluid thinking Rocky must have messed something up? .... He had forgotten to grease them after all and hadn’t gotten to it yet.... so maybe that caused a malfunction and it was leaking? I don’t know how possible it is but entirely probable in my mind. So I checked the brake fluid.... it was fine so I moved on with my day.

Rocky called asking about the puddle and I explained all I’d known and that I would check it again after the lunch break. I did… and decided to check the oil.... OMFG the oil was empty.... and I’d been driving on it.... so the afternoon extra got cut off and I’m not working today :( .... probably not tomorrow either :( as Rocky won’t get to work on it till the afternoon :( .... Have thought about taking his car in the morning till it’s too hot to work (no A/C)

The plan now is.... Rocky gave it a quick look last night and pulled the drain plug this morning. There is a crack in a lower corner of the oil pan. He said he watched a video on how to fix it last night and we will go get what he needs Monday. Until then drain it completely as I can’t drive in it anyways. So today I’m home.... I plan on finishing the house cleaning I had been doing last week.... 2 pretty extensive rooms.... bathroom and dining room.... then I need to add a few books to the Dragonlance collection and place the new books in their Chronological order. That’s the goal for today .... Then, an overall sweep of the house, and then I’d like to give Jake a visual tour via messenger. .... if we can’t be close and all.....

Speaking of.... sad notes… My aunt Linda.... my mom’s last surviving sister is very ill. Cancer stage 4.... She wants to take an emergency trip to see her and her family. I know this sounds horrible and I’m sorry to those who don’t understand it BUT.... I do not have much attachment with my Aunt Linda. She’s not a bad person I just don’t have an emotional attachment to her. I did to her son David who was significantly older than me (when I was 8 he was 20 something). She also has lived 4+ hours away from the rest of the family for most of my life. Never married her longtime boyfriend “Uncle Ron” who died 5 years ago. .... So, I am going to MI with my mother and skipping the trip to Aunt Linda’s.

The plan is we leave out early the 9th (as early as she can manage ya’ll know I’d be out of here by 4am) She wants to clear Nashville before rush hour … easily done for me. Also, I can drive for like 6-7 hours before I’ll need a break, all goes well. Target for day 1 is Lapeer. Destiny has offered to let us stay there. Frist night mom says she will be there with me OR she will drive the extra 20 mins and stay at Uncle Gary’s (her only brother). That will depend on how she feels at the time. Day 2 she’s going to Linda’s and staying 2 nights! She seems okay with me staying there with Destiny for those 2 days. The rough plan here is to spend time with Destiny after work or… if she’s off.... and maybe ride around with Jake during the day? Like I did when I was up for the wedding.

She is trying to plan some sort of small family reunion with whoever is available on the weekend. This means cousins for a day :). Aunt Cheryl’s (passed) kids Jeremy, Camiell, and Rachel being my favorites.... and Jessica’s brothers (Jess having passed when I was 16) Jimmy and Brian, Uncle Gary and Aunt Wendy’s (passed) kids. Then of course all their children OMG! like 15 total? Hopefully, that goes well.... and Aunt Vic’s (passed) kids Jacob and Megan.... I’m sure Megan won’t be there haven’t seen her since she was like 5.... and Aunt Vic’s later children she had with Uncle Jim whom I know very little about. Jacob has 5 kids of his own too.... so… honestly, hope we have whatever at the park.... wouldn’t that be nice.... we will see though .... who can go, who can’t, who doesn’t want to.... and where stressors are ( I won’t go if x is going). I’d really like to see all of them and hopefully, that doesn’t mean hours and hours driving from here to there and everywhere.

Mom said she’d like to spend a day with Becky too.... Becky is my mom’s best friend. They’ve been besties since high school.... and initially she had told me that I could stay in Lapeer and hang with friends when she goes to see Becky. .... I’m hopeful all will fall well and Jake won’t have Cian that day (whenever that may be) and we can spend some real time together.

This will be happening the 9th-16th....

Sammy’s coming home for a week. He will be home the 1st -7th. I expect parties and people I don’t know in my house lol. Then help him pack up his stuff and hook up his car to a car dolly. He will be moving to California after that. He’s given himself a week to get from here to there.... after a week of goodbyes.... I expect not to see him for at least 4 years.... and need to start (mentally) plans for a trip out there when college is over. .... this trip will include his mom and I’m sure she won’t be able to afford it BUT it will be extremely important to both of them that she be there.

Jake is becoming a staple in my life. I spend the week waiting for the weekend. I do love just hanging out on the phone talking about nothing.... and anything. His voice is like honey. Is smile is sunshine that is warm but not so bright I can’t see it. I wish all the best for him. I don’t know what is going to happen with us.... entertaining ideas of “the future” and snatching every moment we get.

I’m a horrible person. This is not what I expected of my life and I kick myself when I’m alone. Rocky didn’t do anything to deserve this.... except that he did nothing to deserve anything but this.... obviously he tries..(above care for my safety and fixing my car these last couple weeks).. and I get lost in my own confusion. I need more from Rocky.... and what about Jake.... would Jake watch YouTube to fix an issue with my car so I could go back to work? Would we be each other’s support? Honestly, I’m learning a lot about why I do things or react a certain way.... or think of things a certain way because Jake will point out when something is a PSTD response or because of anxiety.... or when Rocky could be/do more and should..... which only eases my mind that he would do all he could to be everything I would need. Then I see him helping others while I feel like his drowning. Would there be room for me? Ah, but I know. Others would fall to the wayside.... and I know I would also help those he cared about so it wouldn’t be too strange.

Over time I’ve limited who I care about.... I have few friends.... those who need me.... if they ever do … They really need me....

I say that and somehow am reminded of Destiny earlier this week.... She apparently tried to call while I’d been doing therapy. Therapy for my ear has me using blue tooth straight to my cochlear implant.... no one else hears it and there are things I don’t think I hear. Apparently, it auto shuts off notifications or something.... but for the most part I spent an hour 100% oblivious.... Earlier this week I had been on the phone with Jake.... and noticed both my mom and Destiny had texted me about calling them. I made a choice and called my mom. We’ve got a trip to plan after all. It felt logical that I would talk to my mother first that way if I had any new info I could share it with Dest.... and then Jake when I talked to him later (after Dest).... When I got to Dest’s call she was angry with me. She’s been having back pain the last few days .... and as many people is extremely irritable when she’s hurting… I eventually talked her down from being angry but .... well it’s ridiculous.... she gets jealous of Jake… yeah.... like we are all 40-41 and she just hates it if I spend more time with him than her.

I’d mentioned the first few nights with her and she said “So at least I’ll get SOME time with you.”.... inferring that Jake won’t be there.... or whatever.... it’s dumb.... it’s not as though I would be sitting next to her and being close to her if he wasn’t there. As Jake has pointed out.... it’s also not like she’s ever alone. There is always someone else invited over.... mom and the girls obviously but friends to “meet my friend Jen”.... but why if she wants me all to herself. I’m not to be texting people when we play cards but she can.... it’s a thing… she’s a child…

I’ve failed the day.... it’s only 11 and I could do so much more with my day.... I’d intended to clean.... but Jake showed me Cassie’s place and I showed him mine after seeing the mess she had. I felt way less bad about mine.... so I did a quick walk-through and now I care less about cleaning it. I’ve been watching YouTube videos and just chilling.... I need to at least do dishes and laundry.... but whatever....

I worked on warranty and registration forms for my processors and accessories.... there are a few confusing questions I want to call the Med-El lady about so I moved that to a list of things to do Monday.... I guess the other things I can do today are to email the neuro about the med change the ENT suggests and take a look at the papers the hematologist sent for my appointment Tuesday. Then of course I should do a bit of extra therapy today..... supossed to do it for 30-60 mins 3-4 times a week and wear the processor at least 10 hours a day.... I’ve got no issues with any of that.... I did skip yesterday sort of..... but I’ve been doing it every day....

I missed the first 2 classes for the thing.... I’ve got one tomorrow too. When I talk to the Med-El Lady I’ll see if I can resign up for the 2 I missed or if there is a place I can go to get all the information that they went over in the class....

I guess that’s all that’s in my bucket today. It’s been a bit of a quiet morning. I can’t work.... and I lost drive for the cleaning.... and I feel stuck of the paperwork....