Broken Record in Current Events

I’m self-aware that I sound like a broken record. This is because I am in a rut. Sure, there is rare conjunction with Mars, Uranus and the North Node in Taurus which can wreak havoc and disrupt our connection to the material, earthly things. Finances, resources etc. All the things we love from our Earth signs. Capricorn had the worst, at least most intense go at it the last few years, astrological speaking. Now those with their suns in Capricorn, aspects in Capricorn or risings in Capricorn should be manifesting bigger and better things. Do I know where I am going with this paragraph? No. Absolutely not. My sun is Capricorn, which is why I bothered to bring up Capricorn.

I hit a breaking point with myself. Maybe not a breaking point, I am at least fed up, officially. I was laying on the floor in my room after a pathetic little leg workout. I was fighting with myself to do a core workout. I was too tired. Not physically, per se. I am just tired of being tired. My days start at 4:15 am. My shifts are at 6 am but I like an hour to myself before I leave the apartment. Am I just exhausted from work? Probably. It’s crippling most days. I just collapse in bed, then my naps make it worse.

I woke up from my nap, I then committed myself to fucking my shit up with coffee. I hate feeling groggy. It didn’t help all that much. Then I used my pull-up bar that I finally installed. It’s going alright. I don’t have a long way to go with what I want from that. I am trying to use bodyweight to work out. Fitness training, the whole weight lifting thing just isn’t that appealing for me. No judgement, weight lifting is a good fit for others. I’ll probably need to start adding weights if I keep up with it. I am old people after all.

So I was just laying there pissed off about how tired I was. Pissed off about how bloated I have been feeling. Pissed off that I am losing my hair. That I have acne scars. That I have a pimple. That my bleached hair looks thirsty no matter what I do. I’m in a growing it out phase and I feel like I am serving Doc from Back to the Future realness if I don’t try and style it. Above all of this, I am pissed off that I am pissed off about the wrong things.

I am procrastinating on everything. I can’t bring myself to do anything or advance anything. I can’t connect to anything either. My mind will not stop racing. I can’t connect to the 5 books I started reading. I can’t connect to the esoteric sciences that I found at the bottom of the rabbit hole. I can’t connect to reading up on terrain theory. My brain is clogged. Not literally… however, that is possible. I probably need to help drain areas in my lymphatic system.

I can’t connect to the vision board I started. I moved the desk in my room back to my window, that is where my vision board is. It is also where I just hung the plant my sister gave me years ago. This desk is also being utilized as an altar. This weekend I am going to try and buy the headdress from my friend who has stored it in a box in her room, for my altar. Everything has to be “ethnically sourced” and she packed it away because she feels like everybody is judging her. She’s from south America but her extract is south Asian. None of that should really matter. I don’t like the idea of that just rotting away in a box. Also, I really want it. She might also really want it too, I’ll still ask.

It is aggressive, the synchronicities I am experiencing. The repeating numbers. It’s not about them magically being there. It’s about your higher self, or your subconscious, trying to communicate to you. It sees everything, always. Our conscious filters it all out to just focus on the task at hand. So when I come across repeating numbers, my higher self or subconscious will make me pay attention. This is when we would seek a shaman, guru or priest to help interpret it. Back when we were connected to truth. In this system, this prison we are spiritualizing, the cultists think they have peaked as a society. They can’t see that they are using black magic to stay connected to the smallest thinking and smallest state of being possible. Demonic possession, they are not in control. Their egos are. Their hunger, emotions, libidos and fears rule them. They do not rule themselves.

For the first time, it is 777 that I keep seeing. I won free plays on my last lottery ticket. I keep telling all of the people at my work who have sun signs in Pisces to think about my lottery ticket. Pisces are powerful manifesters. So is Saggitarius because they are ruled by Jupiter but Pisces are more connected to everything esoteric. They don’t know it but they can feel it.

I am going to keep it to myself, for now, what I would want to do if I won the lottery. Honestly, I could probably do it without the lottery. This buddy at work is an event organizer. They plan big parties and various other things to raise money for more events but he and his friends are trying to buy land to grow a self-sustaining community on. They have the self-awareness to see that it looks like a cult. I could use an organizer, of sorts, to help do what I want to do with my life. There is a lot I would love to do to help add healing to the world. To help bring back the sacred feminine. Pipe dream? Definitely a cultist’s nightmare.

I only have three shifts next week. It is the first week that I am working what I am supposed to be working as a part-timer. I have anxiety about it but I am looking forward to the free time. I have so much that I am putting off. I am giving that place too much of myself and my time. I’m too connected to it. Rob just had his 25th anniversary there. No judgement to him, of course.

That buddy from work that I was talking about was trying to recruit me to go to that event he was organizing this weekend. Maybe I’ll go to one that isn’t a party in a barn somewhere for hippies. They do other things, for hippes lol. I’ll wait for something more fitting. I wouldn’t mind going out and meeting new people. If they’re younger, great. I need to cultivate young friends. I do know that they are closer to my level, which is great. Proactive about it all, which is an energy I want to be around. I don’t want to live off-grid though. He is Scorpio, his chart is full of Capricorn. You would never know that with his three jobs that he has a lot of Capricorn in him. His Venus is in Capricorn, his wife left him during con-19. The Cappies had gone through it the last few years I tell ya.

Anyway, I have one more shift to get through tomorrow. Maybe it will actually be the day that I stop procrastinating and get my life together. Stupid lazy Taurus rising is the bane of my existence. I wouldn’t have the Scorpio descendant without it. Scorpio is my favourite sun sign at the moment. It makes everything deeper and sharper and potent. Not everybody can handle it, it’s dark sides are heavy. I have three potent ones in my chart. Mars, Moon and my descendant. I like my chart but I’m biased. The Scorpio placements make everything deep, my Capricorn placements make it clean, concise and precise. Jupiter will double down for me in Aquarius, and Saturn will push boundaries in Sagittarius. Blah blah, I gotta learn the houses and sextiles next. I want an astrologer-level understanding of it. Then use Tarot with it. Blah