I'm Not Bitter, I'm Unsweetened in Current Events

I went to a couple of thrift stores yesterday. I felt compelled to look at books and I managed to score some that piques my interests. Encyclopedias about various religions, astrology, healing, reiki, etc. They were hardcovers and looked like antiques. The aesthetics aren’t important but I can’t believe how cheap I got them for. I grabbed a few classics only because of how old and beautiful they looked.

Toni, my roommate, shoved all of the new patio furniture that I bought, assembled, and strategically put on our balcony for us off to one side so that she could shove her bike into the corner. Some of it wasn’t even accessible. I don’t know why I need to feel so deeply jaded and scorned whenever I don’t get my way. Is it all of the Scorpio in my birth chart? Am I immature? Maybe I’m just human. I put all of the patio furniture back in its place, fuck her bike.

Why do we have to be those losers that need to utilize their balcony as storage instead of it being used for lounging? The people that lived here before us had two teenagers, that makes sense. This apartment is spacious but not big enough for a family of four. We have space inside the apartment for storage. I literally freed up space in our storage room for her bike. For my potential bike actually. It can fit two, especially if I get bike hooks to hang them up. She even has room in her bedroom because all she has is a bed. Seriously, just a bed. Everything is stacked in storage totes in her closet. Ok, she has a full-length mirror and a nightstand now.

In the mornings whenever I see her bike my heart drops a little because I immediately picture somebody standing on the balcony trying to steal it. She doesn’t lock the balcony door either. Bikes get stolen from the second floor too, ya know. We don’t need them coming inside if they do. If it happens, if her bike gets stolen again, I am only going to laugh at her because she always does the dumb thing.

She bought herself a bike in May, for her birthday. It got stolen the first day she took it out. She drove it downtown. She told me that she locked it up and I believe her. There were other bikes locked up in front of her gym but only hers was stolen. She had to of done a dumb thing. I don’t know how one could fuck that up but she absolutely would.

The other day the power went out for a minute. She was trying to shower. I was in bed and she starts knocking on my door. She wanted to know if I had lightbulbs. My eye twitched because when the power surged, she flicked the light switch off and on and left it off. She committed to thinking that all four lightbulbs above her bathroom mirror burned out at the exact same time. All I had to do was flick the switch and BOOM! I am God, I created light. Why did she do the dumb thing? Think the dumb thing?

This reminds me of that time last summer when she thought all of the appliances were broken. She had the TV on, the AC on, the dishwasher on, and the laundry machine on, and when she went to use the vacuum a breaker tripped. I didn’t use any of those appliances for a day or two so I didn’t think to think of it. During those two days, she was complaining because the vacuum stopped working, her hairdryer stopped working, and her hair straightener stopped working. It was just a tripped breaker. If she had just tried to use a different outlet before assuming everything stopped working… I’m too Capricorn to accept excuses for this level of dumb. It wasn’t even funny. I was just angry. It’s hard to witness such a poor display of intelligence. We all do dumb things but she is 36! How little life experience does one need to have to fail to piece it together that a breaker tripped? I don’t even know what branch of logic she cleaved to that allowed her to think that every single appliance stopped working simultaneously. I just can’t.

This blond goes to her doctor and tells them that everywhere she touches hurts. She starts poking herself all over her body. “It hurts here, it hurts here, and it hurts here.” The doctor tells her that her finger is broken.

That blond joke describes Toni to a T.

Whenever I feel jaded about Toni, even for a second, I get flashbacks of how awful it was when we moved in. I did not know that she is a functional alcoholic. A financially abusive one. She is either a pathological liar, brain-damaged or manipulative. Maybe all of the above. She will twist stories to suit her narratives all of the time. It’s safe to say that her brain is not normal. She lives out of storage totes, she didn’t even unpack her last apartment. It was depressing to see her live like that for two years. She tried to boast about how low maintenance she is as though I hadn’t just lived out of suitcases before we moved in together. She was all over the place with how we will run our finances here and then one day blew up at me about me not paying my share. Literally, I had to supply everything. I mean everything. Groceries, essentials, furniture, appliances, dishware, etc. She was telling me to take it out of what I sent her for rent and then she forgot about her commitments and then created a victim narrative for herself and tried to get me to give her money. I had since shown her the receipts and shown her how she was the one who owed me almost $1000. I waved it to save myself from the drama.

The night she blew up at me, by the way, was the only time I ever opened up to her about things going on in my life. My grandmother was in the hospital at that time. She managed to make that about herself. I told her that my grandmother was clotting because of the mRNA vaccine and Toni took that and ran with it. You need to get that vaccine if your work makes you because I am not paying your share of the rent. You haven’t been pulling your weight around here blah blah blah. The whole evening was The World Owes Toni show. This is why I was not surprised when I was “sick” in December and she made that all about her. She got sick three times since we moved in together and I didn’t make any of those events about myself.

I do need to talk to her about this. Toni, your drinking has affected me in the following ways.

We are not allowed to smoke on our balconies, she does anyway. She smokes her weed. For the last two days, we have had our AC on. The smoke gets inside. It’s disgusting. The smell. It’s so bad. That’s not what bothers me though, per se. The smoke triggers my asthma a bit. Again, she does the dumb thing. I need to tell her to turn off the AC if she wants to do that. Will she care that it’s harming me? No. Will she care that she is potentially harming others? No. She only thinks about herself because she is a fucking 36-year-old child.

She is the one who told me that she still feels like a kid. As though she never grew up. That is obvious. Other people our age lose sleep over worrying about their kids, their families, and their friends or their careers but not Toni. She can’t sleep because she is only thinking about herself, about how lonely she is. How her needs aren’t being met. She has to self-medicate to feel better. Learning to soothe oneself is supposed to be the first lesson we learn in life but nope. She needs to drink one liter of wine almost every night. I don’t even know how much weed she smokes but she starts first thing in the morning. Like, just grow up then. Grow up, get your life right and stop burdening others with your bullshit. Sure, I don’t have children and a family of my own either but I am not tossing and torturing myself until dawn about how my childhood needs can’t be met. I sleep fine.

Her tangents about people at my work are a perfect display of her psyche. We out-picture ourselves, we project our views about ourselves onto the world. The way we see the world is the way we see ourselves. Whenever I complain about work she goes off about how the people that work there have nothing better to do with their lives. Then she paints a picture of how pathetic they are. It’s hard to witness because that is literally her. She does nothing with her life. She adds value to no one. Not even to herself. She was seeing a therapist when we moved in but she quit that. I knew she would. She thinks all change has to happen outside of herself. This is why she feels so jaded. Her anxiety builds because she feels like this will be how she is forever and it absolutely is because she keeps externalizing change. It’s not about the content it’s about the context. She can change everything in her life but it won’t be long until it all makes her miserable again because she is the thing in her life that is miserable. Why she gotta wait for a midlife crisis to get herself right? This is all a no-brainer to me.

Of course, I am projecting myself into this because she is where I was just a few years ago. She is everything I am trying not to be. It’s so toxic to be around because I remember how toxic it was inside myself.

Speaking of toxic, her alopecia. I feel bad because it is getting worse. Does she even know? It will never get better because she will never make the changes that she needs to make. The recipe for a disease is not germs, that is a fact. It is toxic waste. When you put things in your body that do not belong there, your body will expel them and repair the damage because it loves you to death. If you trap that toxic waste in your body because you’re a superstitious idiot who thinks you’re possessed by a virus whenever your body expresses healing, then you incur chronic illness. You earn it. Your medical priests don’t know health, they only know prescription and prognosis. Kind of the way lawyers don’t know law, just procesdure. This medical cult will pump you up with more things that do not belong in the body to poison you and create deficiencies to turn those symptoms off. Those symptoms are the cure, their medicines are the disease. We are to support symptoms. They’re not meant to be pleasant. When you poison yourself with alcohol, the hangover is telling you to smarten the fuck up. Nobody does anything consciously anymore. Health shouldn’t be a goal. Your body knows what to do, we just need to get out of the way and stop putting things in it that don’t belong there. Of course, we are a society that calls eating correctly “dieting” so this all sounds like medical blasphemy in a society that wears diseases like a badge of honor. Victim signaling is so in right now.

Toni has a visible auto-immune disease. She played a stupid game and won a stupid prize. She got vaxxed to the max so that it wouldn’t be uncomfortable for her to be around her family. Like, get some self-esteem. I tried to explain to her that she needs to detox to remove all of that toxic waste but, like everybody else, she looked at me like I’m some kind of heretic. No, doctors do the healing, not our bodies. These people are cognitively defunct. They are an absolute hazard to themselves. The only victims of chronic illness are children. Parents will do anything to protect their children except research what doctors are doing to them. Like, tell me you’re in a cult without telling me you’re in a cult. I only need to open up a person’s medicine cabinet to see how medically religious they are. You either see that healthcare is a blatant repurposed system of priestcraft or you don’t. Probably because you’re a puritan, a germaphobe who believes that a medical priest knows best and it is ignorant to educate yourself. You put the rest of us in danger. These idiots say as they try to pass a talking point off as a legitimate form of argument. Contagion is a baseless myth. Show me an isolated virus and produce the study that successfully replicated disease with it. I’ll wait. You can save yourself a trip and use the freedom of information to get your government to produce that for you. Spoiler alert, they will tell you that they don’t have it.

Anyways, I needed to vent about her. I eventually need to have a good talk with her. It ain’t easy. She is a child that doesn’t want self-awareness.