Day 5. in Since OD is shutting down....

I haven’t smoked in 5 days and I’m doing alright. I still have moments where I want to go buy another pack and only smoke 1 but I know that I wouldn’t smoke just 1 so I haven’t. I didn’t put a patch on yesterday and still haven’t put one on today. It feels really good to be loosening the chains of this addictions and feel emotions without covering them up with cigarettes. I still want to smoke but I also think about my health, the expense and how good I already feel by not doing it.

My phone is currently not working so I asked my Mom to cancel my counseling appointment for tomorrow because I don’t have a babysitter to go. I gotta say I am really sick of never being able to prioritize myself because there’s no village. My brother said he would watch her but I’m still pissed about his kid spraying her in the eyes with bug repellent so my trust isn’t where it once was and I don’t like dropping her off at the very last minute and then worrying I’m going to be late to my appointment. He also likes it super hot in his house and I don’t want my daughter getting sick because he doesn’t turn on the AC. Almost 2 hours is a long time to spend in a house that’s at least 87 degrees!

All of this makes me very angry that I seriously have no one to EVER fucking help me out, even with appointments but I look on the other end of the coin and realize that she starts school in 6 weeks and then I’ll be able to not only get a job, but be able to prioritize myself! I tend to get pretty down about my situation but then I think about the fact that school will be consistent and there will even be care during holidays and in the Summer as well. I’m going to be able to not only work but do stuff like go to appointments and not stress about a sitter or have to constantly reschedule or cancel and I’ll be able to start forming a life outside of motherhood.

I was watching a TT the other day about a lady who had 3 kids and talked about how she doesn’t want her kids to be the center of her whole existence and how she’s been so caught up in Motherhood that she didn’t even know who she was anymore. I completely relate and that’s why I get super depressed. I used to have an identity outside of taking care of another human being and I’m honestly excited to be able to do things for myself for a change.

So I saw on Facebook that her ‘Dad’ posted another fundraiser because he’s ‘struggling’ and needs $600. He had this long ass post about how he can’t get housing or food stamps…well yeah but he’s got Medicaid and he doesn’t even provide health insurance for his child and that’s something he’s supposed to be doing! It just makes it more and more clear that he wants my daughter’s social to help him receive welfare benefits and we all know that he still wouldn’t make her a priority.

I messaged my old boss and told him my situation. He was completely against me filing for CS and that the government has no place in family issues and blah blah blah blah blah so it’s okay well what is the answer?! The guy will NEVER willingly hand me money or school supplies or pay for child care so what was I to do? He owes THOUSANDS of dollars and I know my daughter will never fucking see it! I am just so tired of EVERYONE acting like he shouldn’t be held in the same fucking regard I am because if I were to abandon or neglect my child, I’d be facing charges!

Apparently when you become a single Mom, you have PLENTY that you are to just roll over and accept. You are going to be in the wrong no matter what in the fuck the other party does and you should never expect them to take care of their child but the minute they feel they kept from the child then YOU are alienating them and are the bad guy. Make it make sense!! The guy doesn’t give a flying fuck to be involved but he should be allowed to see his child when it fits his narrative! Okay! Naw he don’t want to be a Dad, well I’m just here to reinforce HIS DECISION!

Anyways, I gotta go find something to do because I’m feeling withdraw right now.