Devastating News at the Clinic in Still Listening to Spirit

It took me 1 hour and 15 minutes to get Bill undressed, showered and then dressed. That left 5 minutes for me to shower, dress and go with him to the 11am appointment at the Clinic. He insisted on driving but agreed that if he needed to go 'next time you can arrange transportation." Good enough...it had to be stubborn man!

He acquiesced to a wheelchair once we got into the Clinic and the stop at the weight station showed he has lost 10 pounds in one week. I knew this, the man was skin and bones like I have never seen him before. Always skinny--wiry and strong, but not like this.

Back to the emergency treatment room again, up on the bed, Lynn came to see him. She got in his face after a brief conversation to say "You will die if you don't start eating." You are very sick. she said.

After listening to his lungs and assessing his condition she said the words "medevac" as in a $25,000 bill to transport him from here to Juneau or Seattle. "You need to be in a hospital", she said.

"Nope, no hospital, what can they do for me you can't?" said Bill.

The answer was breathing treatments, 24 hour care, and rehydrating IVs with potassium, vitamins and IV anti-biotics. His second refusal resulted in her starting an IV for rehydration, doing a breathing treatment (something I have done a time or two at home with a loaned machine when I had bronchitis) and some IV antibiotics.

They took blood, blood pressure, listened to his lungs. After about an hour, Lynn decided to get the portable x-ray in the room and do a lung x-ray. She suggested I go get him a milk shake to begin putting something on his stomach. I had to be out for the x-ray anyway.

I got on a city bus, went downtown to the ice cream parlor across the street from work, went into work to report in. I got positive attitudes and a take care of your family as well as Heath's offer that if Bill can travel commercial flight, to put it on the company account.

Beth caught up with me at the ice cream store--Heath had told her to take me back to the clinic. Problem in this town this week--milk. There was NO milk for me to make milk shakes for Bill this past week. No canned milk, no packaged milk, nothing but 1 quart of rice milk. I got it but Bill spotted the taste difference and would not drink it!

Guess what, when I went into the ice cream parlor "The Cone Company" it is called locally owned and operated--they couldn't make a shake because they had no milk! I went on down the street and the next place that makes shakes looked at me like I had lost my mind when my first question was "Do you have milk for a shake?" They did.

Back at the Clinic, I paused and sat down a minute on the benches outside to get some fresh air and catch my breath. Spirit spoke strongly to me "Bill died while you were gone."

I accepted that, calmly, and went inside. He had not died. No he hadn't. He was resting comfortably, dozing under warm blankets, in a darkened room, quiet and peaceful.

Lynn waved me to follow her and took me to a room at the end of the hall where there were comfy chairs like a waiting room with a padded rocker, etc. I sat down and she asked how I was doing. I told her I was very tired.

She said "I am sorry to have to tell you that I had the radiologist in Juneau read Bill's x-rays and he has advanced lung cancer in the top of both lungs."

I couldn't breathe. Lynn asked me what I thought Bill would want to do and I told her how awful he thought it was that his brother-in-law fought so long and hard for 2 years the prostate cancer, got a 'cure' but the chemicals of the 'cure' destroyed his bladder, gave him cancer there and killed him. Bill has said he wouldn't choose to treat, suffer, and crap all over what's is left of his life and mine too.

I told Lynn this. She asked about hospice, where would be like to go? I broke down in tears then because this is our HOME. This is where we live, where our friends, our support system, our house, animals, comfort is all here. I told Lynn that I would be very surprised if Bill stuck around for much of that anyway.

She asked if I meant suicide and I indicated that's what I thought. And that I wouldn't rule out his using his gun. "I would hate that" said Lynn. "Me too" I replied and then explained the promise I made to my mother when she visited in 1999. She got me alone and asked me if I would help her die if she became too ill and wanted it. She made me promise that I would when I said "Yes". She said "I have asked your father, but I know he couldn't do it." Turns out, of course, it wasn't necessary.

Lynn said that she can give me morphine patches to ease his pain, painful breathing in particular I forget the term she used. She said "It won't take much as he has never used narcotics." I knew she meant it two ways, one way that it would ease his pain the other? I know...

We went in and Lynn woke Bill gently. She said "I am so sorry I have to tell you this but you have lung cancer." Bill did not react, we made sure he understood--he did. I did not sob, but I couldn't hold the tears from streaming down my face. My heart broke, I have no words except devastation and sorrow.

After weighing options, and what Bill wants to do, we have a short term plan.

Rather than take an airplane to Juneau where a CT scan and a biopsy can be done, we will get a wheelchair and we will take the ferry. Less work for Bill physically--all the planes have to be climbed in--up many stairs or over a wing and squeezing into a 5 seater. And the trip is restful on the ferry.

A taxi to the emergency room of Bartlett Regional Hospital for admitting. Going in that way will make us eligible for a sliding fee scale on the treatment and some state benefits available for such emergencies. Lynn will set that up for us. Bill and I have agreed on Monday as we have some things to arrange before we leave for a few days, dogs and cats care, he hasn't done anything about paying bills for 2 weeks, and so on.

I will stay (or we will stay) at the Super 8 Motel, very reasonable rates, close to a mini-market, McDonalds and such and a free shuttle to wherever we need to go.

My heart is broken, I can find no hope right now. "Advanced" and "in the top half of both lungs" doesn't sound curable. Lynn said treatment would likely be radiation and then chemo to shrink the tumors. doesn't sound like they can be moved surgically.

Bill wants more information--what 'kind' of cancer as well as whether or not it has spread in his body. This we can determine in Juneau and then make a more informed decision.

Pray for God's will for us both. And some strength for me wouldn't hurt at all.

I want a drink. I want many drinks. I will have none that are alcoholic. My worst day sober is a thousand times better than my best day drinking.

Blessed be!