COUNTING DOWN THE DAYS... in THE REALITY SOAP: AFTER DAD'S FUNERAL

I can't believe that this is really happening now. I'm counting down the days again - and they're going by so fast.

After notifying my GM about my will to resign, I texted Charles - my future employer. I told him I'd be ready in July. He sounded excited with the news.

There; I've done it. I've made up my mind and there's no turning back.

I haven't told the rest of my teammates...just yet. Eventually I will, because I owe them an explanation, at least. They've always been there for me, especially when I fell sick.

Honestly, I feel like abandoning them in their time of need - betraying them. But I have to do this. I can't stay there anymore, so I won't. I'm unhappy there.

I hope someday they'll understand once I explain things. (Of course, I may not tell them everything - despite their kindness. That would be unwise.) If not, then there's not much I can do about it. I have no control and no personal obligations over the feelings of others but my own.

Sorry, I've got to be cruel to be kind these days.

Not all of them will understand my decision. Some might accuse me of being selfish, weak, and such an irresponsible coward. Well, guess what? I'm ready for all that. I'm not afraid anymore. In fact, I really don't care. The contract (or the offering letter) states that both parties aren't required any 'penalties' if they want to break it. Just pack up your bags and leave. That's it. Why take it personally if they claim it's just business?

Then again, that's how the corporate culture goes. It's their god-complex issues. They always want to be treated as a 'do-or-die' priority. You have to fight for them to be rewarded, but they might not do the same for you - especially if they think that what you do is still not good enough. Let's just face it; you're dispensable. They can replace you any day with anyone else they want and as they please, whenever they feel like it. Good intentions and diligence and willingness don't mean that much anymore. It's a cut-throat business; the competition's tough and often nasty. That's just life.

Sometimes it doesn't matter what you do; you're still bound to lose anyway.

That's why I'm walking away. It doesn't matter anymore; I've already tried all my best - yet it was still considered not good enough. I've got nothing to lose. I don't give up on people easily; they're the ones who usually give up on me first - especially the day they thought about sacking me. I mean, we could've talked it over first. If I'd screwed up somehow, they could've yelled it straight to my face - instead of bitching about me behind my back and that I got to hear it from somebody else. Come on, are we still in high school or what? Grow up, people! Cut the drama. This ain't no soap opera. There's no need for any of you to threaten me like that.

Tell me this: if you learned that your employer wanted to sack you but they weren't telling you straight about it, would you be worried?

After having received that awful tip, I got called in by the HR. Without further ado, they simply told me that I'd only had two weeks left to prove them that I was 'worth-keeping for'. They weren't concerned with the reason(s) behind my 'shortcomings' (which were petty and fixable, according to me anyway) and not even interested to find out why. I wasn't even given a chance to tell them my side of story or defend myself. They simply told me this:

"No matter what, the boss is always right."

Sure, sure - I get the point. This country has never really escaped feudalism. It's the worst possible way to restore and maintain order and obedience. Otherwise, there'll be chaos. Forget honesty and being who you are; you'll still never win somehow. It doesn't matter that you're doing your job the best way you can. You should also start treating them like gods.

No, thank you. I need money, but I'm not going as far as selling my soul out for that. You may call me a hypocrite, though. I've already met people who have unfairly judged me and labelled me so much, even when they actually know nothing about me.

I'd played along for those two weeks, but I didn't do it for them. I did it for my teammates, especially Caroline. She urged me not to give up easily and just prove them wrong about me.

After those two weeks, they never got back to me about whether they'd keep me or let me go. That should've been good news, right?

Unfortunately, I've lost the feeling since then. My heart's no longer in it. What do they expect of me now? That I'll go submissive as if they own me? As if that had been a fair - although rather harsh (come on, I'd only been there for like, two months??) - warning that I deserved to receive? That if I start not acting in certain ways they wish me to, they're going to kick me out for real next time?

Do you know what? Don't bother. I'm not going to stick around waiting for that to happen. And about "the boss is always right" sick ideology, here's its side-effect:

If the boss makes a fatal mistake and anything goes wrong because of it, the employees (often have to) take the fall, while the boss might flee - leaving the chaos of their doings behind. That shouldn't be something new worth-knowing about.

Office politics? No, don't start lecturing me about it. I know it's everywhere. In fact, we've started doing politics from home. If you have siblings, watch how your parents treat you guys and how you deal with each other differently. Sounds familiar? There you go. See how each child try their best to please their parents, sometimes even by telling on their sibling's misdemeanor or bad behaviour.

My point is: one can choose to stay and put up with the whole drama or just leave in peace. It's just as simple as that: the free will! There is no need to make such a big deal out of it. This happens everywhere too.

On Wednesday, we had our staff lunch with the CEO from the central office. He'd asked me bluntly, right in front of everybody:

"So I heard you were leaving us."

Gulp. My stomach formed a tight knot inside. I cringed as I looked at the pale blond guy.

"Uh, can we please not talk about that here?" I pleaded. It was loud and noisy around us, but who knew? "We can talk about it later if you want."

"Okay, fair enough." He smiled and thankfully didn't press the topic anymore. I steered him away to other subjects, like his eating plan. (He's been on this diet program.)

However, Gigi told me that Caroline had overheard bits of that conversation and wondered about me. I shrugged it off.

Actually, if they want to let me go now, I'm more than ready to walk out this door. I mean, why delay the inevitable? I'm not going to change my mind again and just give in to their pleas. (The Central Office staff has no idea what's been going on here - the office politics and stuff - and I'm not a snitch.)

All in all, I just want my happiness back. I deserve to be happy. This is my life - and life alone is short.

R.