Yesterday. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I had my brother watch my kid and I went to counseling. My Mom actually showed up while we were gone and I told her to go over there. I went over there when I was done and we just hung out. My Dad and little brother came to get my Mom and I just cringe anytime I see them. My little brother asked my older brother for a cigarette and was getting agitated by the second because he wasn’t getting it fast enough. Just little things like that really set me off. My daughter hugged my Dad a couple of times and was going to follow them to the backyard and even with my older brother right there, I decided it was time to go because we hadn’t had lunch.

I talked to my counselor about how hard it is being a single Mom and what it’s like constantly holding in emotions because I don’t want my daughter to see them. I feel like I’ve been so consumed with being a Mom that I’ve lost who I am. She said that the reality is I am stuck but I will climb out of it. I told her how I feel so inadequate and how I have lost my self confidence not being able to work.

My older brother really pissed me off because he made it sound like there’s not really anything going on this weekend but we need to put off my daughter’s birthday party til next weekend. This pisses me off because they don’t ever plan their kids party around my schedule. They tell me when to show up and I do.

I’m definitely struggling with being on my own and just taking it day by day. I told my counselor that I feel like I’m in a prison, nothing I do for my daughter is ever good enough, and we are just home too much. She understands the resentment I have and how hard it is as she has kids too. She’s not a single Mom but I feel she gets my frustration. I feel bad that I get so upset that I want to throw up. It’s not my daughter’s fault. It’s not my fault. Just gotta make the best of it until school starts and then I’ll be able to work again.

I truly love being a Mom and my daughter is the best gift I’ve ever gotten. I think the world of her and my life wouldn’t have meaning unless she’s in it. I cherish every day with her. I enjoy watching her grow and learn new things. I can’t believe how smart she is and absolutely amazing. I just wish I had a little sliver of time for myself outside of being a Mom is all. I feel guilty saying that I’d like a break and want to do things by myself sometimes. As a Mom, you give your offspring every part of you and at the end of the day, you don’t have much left for yourself. I feel like all I’ve ever done is pour from an empty glass.

It’s now 4th of July weekend.