Loving Prayers Surround Me in Still Listening to Spirit
- June 11, 2014, 5:13 p.m.
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I have sincerely and with tears come to OD for years to add what comfort and strength I could to those I love here when they encounter challenges way beyond what I have had to bear. As well, I have felt I was able to encourage and cheer on those whose troubles I have encountered by telling my story and affirming their feelings.
I felt my words, prayers and heartfelt love were inadequate to sooth or comfort. It seemed words couldn't begin to comfort as much as a face-to-face hug, a cup of tea over tears, and being able to physically help in some small way.
Now I come here as a recipient of those loving thoughts, kind words and heartfelt prayers and I find I was so, so wrong. The words are not inadequate when they come from a place of knowledge of who I am and the loving relationships I have developed on OD and here as well. The outpouring of sympathy, in some cases empathy at having experienced what I am now, love, prayers all give me so much support.
I am uplifted in your prayers, I FEEL them surrounding me. The outpouring of love and support assures me that you all have my back. Even so far away, you all are as close as my computer. Here, with me, loving me.
Those words, that seem so paltry and inadequate when you write them mean more than you can ever know. I hope you all know this. I am telling you now, so write it down. Your notes to me are important, your words are adequate. They come from your heart straight to mine. So continue on.
Also, write more about your own lives. Write more often. This connection is important. It is important for me to document my life by writing here. It helps me resolve big and small issues that I can't seem to 'see' any other way than to write. Further, each time YOu write, I am struck by a truth I was not aware of in my own life or as regards the world and Universe around me.
Bill has more energy today and he is sucking down milk shakes and cheesecake filling (it is after all the reason we eat cheesecake--not the graham cracker crust but the filling itself), ice cream bars and he is willing to try a sandwich later today.
As to what he wants to 'do'. We have discussed only the immediate plans for the trip to Juneau and what needs to be done before we go. He talked to is sister today to tell her what was really going on as I didn't tell her the results of yesterdays' visit when she called.
He told her our short term plans. Then he told her if he finds out it is past surgery and any chemo or radiation is recommended---he isn't going to do this. He said he watched too many, and heard of too much suffering involved in what is a losing fight for more life--extending it with pain and weakness and suffering beyond what he would choose to do to have a few more days, weeks or months.
Bill told his sister he wanted no arguments about his decision, his life, his decision. He said if it is as he expects, he wants to concentrate on making certain all legal and property issues are arranged so I have ownership by myself alone so I don't have to have any court bullshit.
So, there's an idea of what he is thinking now. I am going to spend the rest of the day not thinking. I have a good book to read, my computer to play on, Bill to talk to and take care of, TV stuff to numb out. It is 4:11pm, I have been up once at 4am, once at 5:50am, once at 6am and for good at 9am. Other than paying some bills by phone, I have mostly rested too. Bill would not say what I have been doing is rest, popping up and down to wait on him, let the dogs in and out, etc.
Oh, and I talked to Jaime this morning at 7am because Heath's phone went right to voicemail. I told her what was going on. I told her we would know more after the trip to Juneau. She said "Don't worry, your job will be here, we can get along."
I said "Jaime, I want you to know that I understand there is friendship and there is business. I want and need to work at least 4 hours a day. But I will completely understand if Heath needs to replace me. I want your business to succeed, I want to be a part of that success. But if I am not contributing to that positively, I understand if you can't keep me."
I told Bill this and he was shaking his head YES, YES as I was talking I told him I had to do this for my own pride--I don't want a pity job, someone keeping me on when it is not a benefit to them. He, being the person he is, understands completely.
So, that is all the news that's fit to print from Our Town, My House, today. I gotta go get the dogs in cause they are barking (again). I did find out that the cop shop will be happy to have me come in and take the eye test for a drivers' license. If I can pass that, then I can take the written and driving test and get a license. So I will do that some other day.
Blessed be!
elaine2 ⋅ June 11, 2014
Perhaps the two of you could discuss the palliative benefits of radiation. It can sometimes make a person more comfortable. I do understand the not wanting chemo. When my Mum was lucid she decided she did not want chemo, and we respected that when she could no longer make decisions. The very limited radiation did make her more comfortable by reducing the size of a tumour. Glad to hear your husband is scarfing down the food again :)
seedys elaine2 ⋅ June 11, 2014
thank you for this I did not know that the radiation could have a palliative effect. I shall try to keep this information in my brain.
Daisy Mae ⋅ June 11, 2014
You and Bill are very precious to me. I want you to know that although I cannot be there in person, I am there in spirit. Wrapping you in my arms and giving back the joy, the warmth, the love and support you have given me over the years.
seedys Daisy Mae ⋅ June 11, 2014
You and the others here are amazing, every one of you. The joy will return even in the journey ahead which seems pretty grim right this minute. Together Bill and I have always looked for the joy, laughter, and good that surrounds us and the laughter and joy we give to each other. That will keep us buoyed and out of the darkness.
noko ⋅ June 11, 2014
Oh I am glad you have this quiet time at home together with your animals right now. They absolutely can and will manage the pain. His stubbornness will be a factor in how that is handled. Everybody is different but we found anti anxiety meds really helped with the breathing and sitting up in a recliner like he is doing. Again I truly appreciate you sharing all this with us. I don't know what I would have done if I hadn't had work. It grounded me and kept me feeling useful in a fundamental way that had nothing to do with his illness. I get what you are saying here.
seedys noko ⋅ June 11, 2014
Thank you, you words spread a peaceful blanket over my tumbling thoughts and feelings. I hold each word posted by my wonderful friends here close to my heart and 'hear' them over and over again by reading them here.
MageB ⋅ June 11, 2014
You know my thoughts and prayers keep heading your way. I left a little note about you and Bill on my blog...tomorrows entry. I'm with you all the way.
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 11, 2014
I didn't know you were on Prosebox and if I had I would have swiftly been here to give support. As you might know my husband found out he was very ill in October and at the end of Feb. died.
You have to understand that I care and I have been down a similar road, in which my husband chose not to medicate himself and not to use oxygen and not to eat...and died at home in the care of hospice and the family. Consider my arms around you and my heart contributing strength as you move forward. If I can help...I am here not as mags or sago, as I was on open diary but as thoughtafter. I am keeping a diary of my loss and transition afterward here.
So sorry for this happening, even if it turns out not to be as severe as it was in our life--I am sorry it happened and you two had to consider the future in this way. I shall read back a few entries to see exactly what has occurred.
seedys ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 12, 2014
I didn't know you were here either, you are now marked as friend, follow. Thank you for your words and your offer of help. I will go back as I can and gather what wisdom and information I can from your entries. Glad to see you.
Ragdolls ⋅ June 11, 2014
Continuing to send up prayers. {{{HUGS}}}
BentnotBroken ⋅ June 12, 2014
Too bad you and Bill are not in the white house. What a super couple! :-) Brightest Blessings upon those you love,and those that love you. Remember to breathe.
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 12, 2014
I do have an important tip: keep a log of all dates, all that is told you, whomever you see...where you are. Afterwards, I found it hard to remember when I had fill out forms exactly what day K went to the hospital and then was released and what day the home health nurse said he was worse, etc. The book I am reading suggests a notebook log and I so wish I'd had that, even if K had survived it would have been valuable. This day. Breathe. Stand still and breath in and out when things are rough--until you have let them pass through as best you can. You are strong. You are in pain. Both co-exist and can be recognized and held.
seedys ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 12, 2014
Thank you for the tip. This will indeed be a valuable tool. Especially for help in remembering what was said, very important, instructions for meds and other care.
MageB ⋅ June 12, 2014
No more long hair? Wow.
http://urban-archology.blogspot.com/
That;'s the address of my other blog. There will be notes and good wishes there for you too. Yes, write everything down. Get a durable power of attorney....you can get it off the web for free, and a medical power of attorney. And make sure he has a will. Free online too. Without these they may prolong his life against his wishes.
Yes, mam, I am writing more of the day to day stuff just for you.
Hillbilly Princess ⋅ June 12, 2014
With papaw we mixed boast or ensure in with his milkshakes. It gave him extra good stuff for him.
seedys Hillbilly Princess ⋅ June 12, 2014
I am sneaking in some instant breakfast, but the ensure has such a chemical taste I don' t think I could get it past his taste buds. but thank you for the suggestion. I used to drink a can of ensure a day my first summer here -- no time to eat and not eating well. Nasty stuff, but did the trick.
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 12, 2014
I read Madge's note and thought of this: if you don't know where legal papers, titles, and insurance policies are-- ask him and put the info in your log. Car, house--any legal things that at some time might need to be put into your name, you need to find, and have in place. Hope today he is feeling more comfortable.
Hillbilly Princess ⋅ June 12, 2014
Pap wouldn't drink the ensure until we mixed it with ice cream them we got him to drink them he didn't like the taste either.
ThoughtsAfter ⋅ June 13, 2014
Thank you for letting me know that what I have written was helpful and posting it here supplied me and now you with a support group that we'd have a hard time finding outside in the worlds we each live in. I didn't know it would be so good for me and now it is good for you. I agree--stay in your wee place and see how good it can be. Nowhere else will have the memories, and ability to cradle you, nowhere ever, although at some time you will move possibly let it be after you have mastered a transition to another life that incorporates this love and loss but is more about you than it is about the two of you. Just stay in the moment now--I keep wondering how he is and what you two are doing. Not that you need to write until you are ready but that I am hoping you know I care and wonder and send you strength and courage.
middle age pearl ⋅ June 14, 2014
Thoughtsafter is right. Make notes either in PB or somewhere you can go back and remember. Even those occasions where you firmly believe you could never forget, but during times of stress and so much going on, you can forget and will forget. I wished I had put down names of those that visited my husband before he passed. I remember some but not all. You and he will remain in my prayers. Not that you need any advice as you have a good support system, but if you can and friends and relatives offer to do something for you, let them. It will take even a small task away from your swirling thoughts and allow them to feel as if they can help. It's a two way reward. God Bless