Shifting in Current Events

My life coaching session was awful. I was talking about things that I do not like to talk about. I was thinking about things that I do not like to think about. It wasn’t a bad thing, just an uncomfortable thing.

We are tackling my procrastination. I surrendered to it yesterday but the experience wasn’t the same. I felt pressure, as though I had a deadline. I did everything except anything to advance myself in any way. I did my usual avoidance routine. At the end of the day I ended up reflecting on everything and I saw it for what it all was. Pointless. Cowardice. I am shrinking myself down to nothing.

My gaming is a waste of time. I should pick up my guitar and learn it. Me scrolling through my newsfeeds on social media is a waste of time. I have five books started that I could finish. A dozen more waiting to go. My at-home workout is not a complete waste of time but it is a substitute for what I actually want to do. Callisthenics and/or kickboxing. This blog is not a waste of time but I have outgrown it. I want to put myself out there and just be a modern philosopher, so to speak. Do the whole TikToks, podcasts etc. I am a product of the times and I am witnessing the world around me. My social anxiety holds me back on most of it.

The big goal, the big time consumer should be my education. I should be going back to school and starting my five-year-plan to become a holistic doctor. A natruopath. I don’t like that term, I want to become a terrain doctor. A healer, that term feels better but it doesn’t explain what the profession is. Germ theory is a baseless hoax, disease is not virus possession it is all of that toxic waste we refuse to be conscious about. We suppress symptoms instead of supporting them. Terrain theory is based but big pharma has our politicians under their control so we are not allowed to heal ourselves without them. They do not heal, they farm us. Our bodies are the cure for cancer, for starters. However, they outlawed all other healing modalities and we are only allowed to use their own? Which is like pouring gasoline on a fire to put it out. They can’t make money if we cure our own cancers, the cure is oxygen. Cancer is a fungus that eats dead tissue. We should have made our bodies that toxic and that void of bacteria to begin with to allow this to happen but an alkaline environment will make the fungus go away. Then we work on the dying tissue and discover the cause so it doesn’t happen again. Of course, we are a society that wants the easy way out so a complete lifestyle change is out of the question. We are not victims, we are earning our diseases. The only victims are children.

If I get to have my own clinic, I won’t need to worry about any mandates, which aren’t laws. I could make my clinic a PMA, a private members association so that I don’t have to be subjected to public anything. The government can’t make me work for them for free either, they cannot make me liable. These mandates were free labour but the cultists will never give anything a second thought ever. I have some PTSD with all of that. I don’t want to be starting to get my life moving forward again just to have that medical religion start another vaccine inquisition to force me into their cult, again. Which is coming, obviously.

There are no coincidences, I kept thinking about a line from Jordan Peterson about making oneself a monster and then taming it. Then an ad for a series he is doing popped up and I’m not a big JP fan or anything but maybe it will be worth my time. The Russel Brand series on Communion changed me forever, I didn’t see that coming when I was curious about it and watched it. He repurposed and modernized the 12-Step program. Step 4 was just it. It was exactly what I needed to shift whatever I needed to shift at that time. I completely lost my connection to everything and every one after that.

It isn’t hard to find an adult education centre, Toni offered to do kickboxing with me, my books aren’t going anywhere, there is nothing stopping me from vlogging, per se. I can teach myself guitar, I know I am a fast learner.

I seem to want the perfect starting ritual. I fell into the trap of waiting to feel like it. I’m never going to feel like it so I have to force myself to do things I don’t feel like doing. Parent myself. This is what separates the weak from the chaff. Those who can actually adult and those who just play the victim their whole lives. I project this onto Toni all of the time.

So, I am going to buy some first strings so that I can tune my guitar. I am going to create a vision board. That is part of the assignment from my lifecoach. I like the idea of that. I am going to call a computer repair shop and set up getting my computer fixed so that I can have my sacred space back. I am going to get a new phone. I will find some patio furniture for my balcony once and for all so that I can have a nice place to read or play my guitar. Those are just some of the smaller things. By the end of the weekend I am going to have an adult education centre picked out and e-mail them. I may have to call or just go in but I will cross that bridge later. I need a few pre-requisites before I can start applying for the education I truly want.

Blah, it is a shift within myself I felt yesterday. It is a huge shift I need to create within myself in general so this isn’t a bad thing. I feel like I have some accountability with a life coach. For better or for worse. That experience sucks lol.

I call it my Taurus energy, my crippling laziness to get my life moving. My coach calls me out for blaming. She doesn’t understand astrology. It’s just a setting, so to speak. I have a choice. I just make the easy choices and surrender to it. I have all of the ambition of a Capricorn but all of the starting power of my Taurus rising. Whatever.

I also have my tarot cards that I have on the backburner. I started to teach myself and then lost my connection to it when I got sick in December. That was wild, I came out of that feeling like my old self. I was able to connect to things that I hadn’t been able to after I started my inward journey 3-4 years ago.

I’m so existential, I know. Whatever. It’s better that I get my midlife crisis now rather than later. Or worse, never have it. If it’s nice out today or tomorrow I will see if Toni wants to go to the beach. I can see her saying no. She always says no. She’s a full Taurus and always commits to doing the loser thing. We are both nesters. She has toxic codependence and feels lonely and I am the opposite. I want to be alone. This is going to be harder to achieve now that she is working Mon-Fri like me. I almost had a couple of hours to myself every day but she is changing her shifts to something similar to mine. For fuck sake lol. This is where my cut in hours will pay off.

Anyway, on with my day, I suppose.