bewildered in Second 1st

It’s been a few days as usual. Honestly, Dashing has kept me pretty busy. I’m working as hard as I can to get this money back to right.....

I haven’t heard back about the appeal....

Surgery is Monday. Took my Covid test yesterday and downloaded the app I should get results on. ....

I’ve spent a few days mentally playing house with Jake. If only .... It’s been fun… pets we would have… things we’d look for in a house… and all the free time… being tied up lol

Then something stupid happens…

Today, Rocky asked me to meet him for lunch. It was a pretty quiet lunch… didn’t talk much. When we went our separate ways he.... paused like he forgot something and gave me a kiss. it was cute… but it was a smooch… just a peck… Could we fix this? If I snuck in kisses at red lights where they belong and played with his ponytail.... would I feel different?....

There will always be good days and bad ones.... and assuming the bad will always outweigh the good… as they have… would good days outweigh the bad on my own?… or with Jake?

“you’re miserable.” “I know” “So, do something about it” .... this misery is manageable … what if I stumble into misery that’s not.... then miss the misery I have? “He wouldn’t ignore you like Rocky does” “Jennifer, that’s normal relationship behavior that you deserve.” How am I to know that? .... Seems like some kind of fairy tale… some fantasy.... that someone would want me like he says he does. There’s no real way to test the waters without jumping in and there are no waters to test without causing someone to cry a river.

We will work on it… Right, and in that case… what if we are somewhat successful? We would never be the fire I’ve tasted. Would we? .... I can’t remember the last time I’d felt the need to burn like that… Were there ever flames like that before? Before the need built so high. It had been fueled by time, the lack of it, and need. If it was a frequent flame would it burn as brightly? or as hot? Would the mundane of everyday life weigh down the tinder? How am I to ever know?

So as it is I have to blow on embers and pray? Why? why do I have to attempt to keep tending to a fire that no longer wishes to burn? The promises.... the life we’ve built… is that enough? Starting over at 41… admitting defeat yet again… to learn yet another way to behave. Ah but that behavior might just be happy. It might be all about figuring out how to subdue the fire to a level other people can admire and not so much trying to stoke it.