Monday - 09.06.14 in Your Face

I didn't realise at first, but I had my usual Sunday night depression last night. I had been attributing the slump to the thought of a week of work ahead of me, but perhaps that wasn't right.

I used to be more relaxed, I had more fun. Now I am uptight and anxious about everything. I used to blame it on having to be breadwinner, having the responsibility solely on my shoulders, but that's not fair. An awful lot of people are in the same position, and that's just life. How can a basic part of life cause me so many problems? And what's the solution - to not work? To have no responsibility? That's completely unrealistic and not what I want.

I want to find myself again. I don't even know what I like anymore as far as food and things I enjoy doing. If I was told I could do anything I wanted, right this second, I don't even know what I would ask to do. I just don't even care.

It's not lost on me that what I am describing is the symptoms of depression.

I feel as though my life has suddenly become a mess again, quite literally. I have returned home from my sister's house and dumped my bags. I now have a huge suitcase that I have no room for, I have a pile of old newspapers I forgot to throw out, I also neglected to replace the bedsheets that I washed before I left, so my bed is a mess. These are only small things, but they contribute to that feeling of being in a deep hole. I must slowly get myself back on track.

I am continuing to plan tasks for each day, so that I don't fall into a sloppy heap, eating constantly and spending my days in bed. I already feel less bloated, after having the opportunity to eat home cooked meals instead of constant take away and convenience foods. I am planning more meals to cook and feeling excited about being able to eat more vegetables.

And so I will keep on waiting on M, as the same problems continue to smoulder.