Break down here in Second 1st

We’d made a plan for yesterday. Rocky really wanted to go to a German Restaurant at Opry Mills. I’d been irritated because I was working hard to put the money back… and he wanted to spend it. I made the choice to not fuss over it and was looking forward to some sausages and red cabbage.

However, that is not what happened. I woke early as I always do and started the door dash app at 5 met with immediate work I left. I worked a few hours when my car started acting funny. I took 2 orders from Sonic and was delivering the second one when the dizziness hit hard. I dropped a dude’s slushie! of course, I did… how else would I react to stress… but more stress.... I freaked out. Luckily I had $5 cash and tucked it into the drink tray, then I messaged the customer to tell them what happened. I took it to the door and took the picture… went back to the car and.... it won’t start!....immediately I call Rocky. I’m like 5 miles from home maybe. Woke him up and told him I think I needed a jump so grab what tools you need for battery stuff. ..

After I called Rocky the customer came out and gave me back my $5 and told me it was okay. I told him I was stranded but not to worry over it that the husband was on the way and to just enjoy his breakfast.

I then called Jake. I was freaking out talking too fast and spinning in my seat. Thank God I’d paused Door Dash when it started acting funny. I told him about the breaking down and the waiting on Rocky and the spilled drinks. He attempted to calm me with a “worst day” story and insisted it wasn’t a bother for me to call like that. … That honestly if he could drive 500 miles and be there to rescue me he would. That he would be excited if I called him to rescue me. Time went by and I started thinking it had been forever since I called Rocky.... What if he rolled over and went back to sleep? .... so I got off the phone with Jake and called Rocky again.

He sounded annoyed and in the car. So, I just tried to wait patiently and calm the dizziness.

The battery cable was loose.... tightened that and jumped it off… got it home.... did some tinkering and decided to drive it to O’Riely’s (Rocky following in his car) where it died.

After the guys at the store charged it and tested it.... we needed a new alternator.... when we left car wouldn’t hold a charge long enough to get it out of the parking lot.... so we called Tripple A to get a tow home....

It would be a 3 hour wait. Something like that.... I made Rocky make the call. I always have to do it when we are together… After putting in the call he was worried that having it towed to the house wasn’t allowed so he tried to use my phone to call and verify it..... I hadn’t thought anything about it till we got that cleared up.... 5 miles free $7 a mile over that… O’Riley’s is 5.1 miles from the house.... so I”m sure $7.... moving on

After I got off the phone he brought up “I saw you called Jake after you called me. Are you talking to him again?” I told him that I pretty much so hadn’t stopped. I don’t take to it when people tell me who my friends can and can’t be… then he went on about emotional investment and “How am I to trust you?” I went quiet and eventually said, “When I figure it out I’ll let you know.” … “I asked you to do one thing.” “I’ve asked you to do one thing since we were living on McChesney, Rocky.” I also pointed out how this was a completely inappropriate time to talk sitting there in the parking lot.

I held back tears as long as I could but he kept pushing like now or never.... he’d said some pretty dumb stuff too.... because he does that when he’s angry. Apparently, if I’m going to talk to Jake I might as well pack up my stuff and leave. As well as if I want that cochlear implant to expect to get sued.....

This is why I had to tell him about cheating when We got home and not on the road. Even though once I did tell him and we got to talking he swore he would never leave me on the side of the road. He swore he wouldn’t have pulled his gun on Jake. He’s not that dumb.....That he would never withdraw getting the surgery because he was upset because he cared about me too much for that. yet here he was doing just that because I was still talking to Jake. …

I asked him what he expected me to do. Even after I cheated he still isn’t getting up earlier and when we did have sex it wasn’t want it was something he had to do. That I was absolutely tired of being unheard and ignored. That it was nice to talk to someone who listens. Again he asked “What if I did that to you? What if I’d cheated on you and you asked me not to talk to the girl?” I told him I wouldn’t have told him not to. That I would be happy he’d been with someone who wanted him. I brought up several conversations in which I’d practically begged for his attention. Reminding him of a short video I’d seen about how foreplay for women is 24 hours prior to coitus and for men it’s just moments. How am I supposed to want to have sex with him if I have to constantly mother him and in return, I just get someone who wants to push my buttons? Honestly, I’m trying to transfer the feelings I’m having to him. The last few days he’s done a couple of loads of laundry without being prompted. That was nice.

It has always been a terrible cycle. I voice a need.... the same damn needs every time… we need more time together. I need more attention. I can’t keep this up alone, I need help around the house. Then, I get ignored and bend my will. Make things work and get used to it until it bubbles over again and I voice the need. He had said after I’d told him about the cheating that he didn’t know what he kept doing wrong and that I wasn’t the first to cheat on him.... well he’s not the first I’ve had to beg for attention so there is that....we are both damaged.

Before the tears started falling I’d mentioned that we should get lunch being as we had a 3 hour wait. He was highly against it as he then brought up the call he saw. After going back and forth for a good hour and a half he admitted that we should eat.... so with red and puffy face/eyes we walked to the thai place 2 doors down.

We were separated for the walk so I took that time to inform Jake and Dest the shit had hit the fan and deleted any private conversation Jake and I had. Which .... I don’t know how that will affect anything in the future… Rocky had mentioned it in a calmer conversation over lunch that I do not do that and I didn’t inform him that I already did.

The food was too spicy for my already upset tummy.... nerves… I spent the entirety of the afternoon in pain.... dizziness from the stress.... migraine from the crying all in all I think we made progress....

I’m allowed to talk to Jake again.... not to delete messages… I will call Jake on Friday to explain the situation as best I can. ....

In about 20 mins I’ll talk to Destiny.....

This morning at 8am we have to go meet the tow truck to get the car..... Then Rocky is giving plasma this morning so he won’t be able to put in any elbow grease for a few hours but plans on starting working on it this afternoon. He’s informed Eddie (the neighbor) of the car situation and Eddie is gonna hang around I guess....

my earnings this week for Door Dash is like $460, 1/2 that needs to be returned to the house account and the other half held as a gas fund.... so that I”m not digging into house money we don’t have to put gas in my tank. It is proving lucrative so he understands I need the car up if we ever intend on getting things in order. Hopefully, it won’t turn into a month-long project like getting the van up did.

He finally tried to call to ask about pricing for a marriage therapist .... but it’s Sunday.... and a holiday weekend with Juneteeth.... smh but he tried right?