Constant state of stress. in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been pretty rough lately. First the car has issues and can’t be driven. Something broke so it won’t go into gear. I spent days finding a man to come look at it. I had to order the part it needed so he rigged it so I could at least move it. I’m still waiting for the part store to call and say they have it so I can get pick it up and get ahold of him and have him put it on.

Then the landlord decided that parking is an issue so I have to be parked in the road by my house on a hill where I don’t have a working emergency brake. I decide to start looking for a new place and that’s like finding a needle in a fucking haystack. There is no decent place to live here as the rentals are extremely expensive and you can’t find anything decent at all. There’s nothing in or even around this area and I don’t want to live far out of town as gas prices are a huge problem and I have car troubles.

Then, my daughter’s teacher comes yesterday to drop off the project and gift my daughter had made for her Dad. I am actually pretty pissed about this as not ever kid has a Dad or one that’s involved so it stirs up a lot of emotion. I guess he asked my brother if I’d get ahold of him and I just won’t anymore. I saw on Facebook that there is talk of him possibly getting a job but that’s still up in the air as he lies about everything and doesn’t have an ID, BC, or a social security card. I also don’t know if he actually got hired or would even show up.

I’m extremely concerned about money and still haven’t received my taxes and I filed the very start of February. I’m just at a loss about what to do about everything.

My friend is starting to piss me off with her negativity. I try and tell her that I can’t find anyone to watch my daughter for less than $15/hr where she tells me that I’m probably just gonna have to sign up for childcare assistance and I’ve explained that I only need childcare for 2 months and I’d be on the hook for the fucking co-pay for a year and I’m not willing to do that. I know of plenty of productive ways to spend $400/month! Then, she says how it’s going to be next to impossible for me to find a job within school hours even though I remind her that she will go to the after school program until 6pm.

Everyone just has so many opinions of my situation because it isn’t them living it and never have. Since they want to tell me what to do then they can fucking pay for my childcare then! No one around me has ever been a single parent and doesn’t have the slightest fucking clue how expensive everything is when you have to pay it BY YOURSELF!!!!! I am just so tired of everyone acting like this shit is just so fucking easy and affordable!!! I am not going to jeopardize OUR home because I signed up for childcare assistance and have to pay hundreds out of pocket for a year!

Essentially, I just don’t feel like paying someone to watch my kid when we can just ride out the Summer. Enjoy our time together before school starts. I honestly don’t have any trust in people here and they are more worried bout the bottom dollar than your child. It’s always just about greed then it is about anything else. I also can’t afford to pay someone more than what I’m earning. I also don’t want to worry that I would go broke paying someone to watch her and have to neglect all of my other bills. They say it’s more expensive for childcare than to pay for college. I know I’m not the only parent in this situation and I’m not going to be the last.

I just can’t stand how negative everyone is about my life. I have enough problems to drag me down everyday that I don’t need anyone making it worse. These people have NO FUCKING IDEA what it’s like to live in my head and I refuse to allow their opinions to bring more stress. I am honestly so tired of people just wanting to bring me down and try to make me feel like my situation is just completely hopeless. I’m doing the best I can! It’s not my fault that I’m a single parent while the other person that should be responsible for her gets to do whatever the fuck he wants!

But yeah, he wants me to get ahold of him and I’m sure it’s because of Father’s Day. He’s never seen her on Father’s Day because anytime I’ve asked him to, he’s just picked a big fight and I’m not going to deal with it anymore. He hasn’t seen her now in 10 months and I’m going to keep it that way. I just don’t need the drama and I’m not going to have him stir up a bunch of chaotic emotions in my child and confuse her. She’s doing just fine. I know she wants to have a Dad but for now, I just do what I can and make each day special for her. I give her all the love I can and just try to be a good Mom. I got her some new clothes yesterday and got some school supplies. I know that we probably need a few more things but it makes me feel better to know that I have a start on it.