He left me, wow. in Journal 2022

I apologize if this is sudden, trust me I didn’t see this coming. J or Joseph, requested a break from us and honestly a break up. I had fears but honestly, I felt secure and confident.

It hurt. Everyone, I no longer have the energy like my previous breakups. I’m not hoping to beg for those promises he gave me to be fulfilled. I’m not going to beg for us to to continue and for me to have a chance.

Breaking up for my sake, as he calls it, felt like a spit in my face. Leaving someone to “help” them get over their issues with love and abandonent and trauma is a horrible way of thinking in my mind.

Because you are just throwing that person back into that mindset but whatever. Abandonment issues, check. Self esteem dropping incredibly low, check.

I feel hurt. I was angry at first but I’m just hurt and sick and I have a fever. I will go into my detail later as we talked for hours getting nowhere. I want to speak clearly on this and how much I feel betrayed.

I have known J since I was 13, I’m 19 so you can imagine how much pain there is here. I feel lied to, thrown away, not cared for and disgusting all at once. I don’t wanna eat but I eat. I don’t want to wake up and I stayed in my pajamas all day crying on and off while getting physically sicker.

I have a fever, i felt like I was going to pass out at times, my hips hurt, I cried for how much pain I was in physically multiple times randomly and I’ve taken pain pills pills headaches so bad I have trouble seeing clearly.

I’m not taking this well and I literally mean it when I say I do not want to wake up. I want to lay down and die. I feel humiliated by our discussion and filthy. I won’t say J is a bad person but God is he a idiot.