Yay! in Since OD is shutting down....

So the wifi stopped working yesterday afternoon while I was in the middle of a Zoom meeting and wouldn’t come back on, even with a reboot so I had to dig out the dvd player to get us through the night. The tech came this morning and come to find out, I needed a new modem. I am so happy to have internet again. After he left, my daughter played on her tablet without saying a word for about 30 minutes, it was funny.

It was time for a new one because ours was about 7 years outdated and just finally stopped working. We’ve always had internet issues but I just didn’t want to deal with someone coming over and worrying about the cost to replace things. I honestly was worried they were going to say that the lines were bad and I just wouldn’t be able to have internet or something.

We’ve been home 3 days now and I’m starting to finally relax and feel better. My anxiety just wouldn’t stop and I was starting to feel like I needed to see my dr or something. I think I just needed to let the adrenaline kick off.

I’m still thinking about everything that happened there but realize that I showed good judgment by just staying calm and leaving. I wanted to ask her why she felt that I needed to give her stuff but I know that would have been just what she wanted to physically harm me or possibly make it to where I didn’t make it back home. I just played it cool so I could walk outside, get my daughter in the car and get on the road. It sucked having to drive 6 hours feeling gross because I didn’t get to shower but I was just so glad to get home and be able to wake up in my own bed.

I know that I can’t ever put my daughter or myself around people that can act like this ever again. That situation could have turned violent very quickly and could have ended up a really bad for myself. I honestly was worried that this bitch was planning to stab me or disable my car so that we couldn’t leave. It’s just crazy how I was able to stay so calm and just get us out of there without incident.

It was scary how she just got so mean so fast and I know there was nothing I was going to be able to say to calm her down. I felt like she was just working herself up to harm me. I just can’t believe how scared I was and felt fearful of my safety and that’s why I’ll never be around them ever again. This was definitely a learning experience and not something I will ever consider dealing with again.

I’ll never consider being around them again or be that far away from home. It just doesn’t work out and it was annoying how she was completely on my side after hearing both sides and then once she wasn’t getting her way, she was sure that I was just the bad guy. I don’t care how she saw me anymore, I just wanted to get down the road and as far away from them as possible.

Everything happens for a reason, even this. I’m grateful for this experience because it was definitely a lesson in quit giving people multiple chances or hoping maybe after enough time has passed that they’ve changed. I have had a lot to think about and I’m realizing more and more that I need to be extremely aware of my surroundings and what kind of people I’m bringing into my daughter’s life. If someone could get crazy, mean, and intimidating with me in front of my daughter they are capable of putting their hands on me. I don’t know what I would have done had that happened.

I’m just mind blown that things went downhill within 24 hours of us being there and things were worse than I could have ever imagined. It’s like it wasn’t enough for my friend to keep me captive, but wanted control of my emotions too. When he said that I’d get the money after I’d calmed down, I understood that he wanted me to play like everything was fine for as long as he decided I was going to act the way he wanted for who knows how long and then he’d be reasonable. No one deserves that amount of control over another human being.

He’s got a lot of issues with control and I’m sure it stems from abandonment issues and because he’s done time in prison so he feels that because he’s been controlled that he needs to do it to other people. I know that we are all fucked up in our own ways and I am definitely not a saint myself but I would NEVER think to ask someone to come see me, help me move and then put them in a situation where they can’t leave when they want to and that they are stuck with me until I decide. My mind just doesn’t work like that.

I feel like I’ve always found the absolute worst people to invite into my life and rarely do I ever have anyone that I feel has ever been an actual friend to me. I know that I myself have issues where I refuse to be controlled and I definitely have trust issues but I feel like I’ve had a lot of growth over the years and I’m happy to be able to walk away from people without being the way I used to be. Back in the day I handled everything with anger, I had no problem putting my hands on people and saying the meanest possible shit my brain could churn out. I didn’t hold back. Now, I’m the complete opposite to the point of being a fucking doormat so I really need to find a happy medium.

The part that weighs heavy on me is that my daughter witnessed 2 different arguments between him and I. She heard us yelling and calling each other names. Then, she was pretty close when that girl started in on me and even if she didn’t totally understand what was being said, I know she picked up on the tone of voice this girl was using and knew it was time to leave. I’m upset that I had to lie to my daughter to leave swiftly without her crying because I was worried that the more time that passed, that bitch was going to maybe find a knife and stab me or flatten my tires.

I became highly suspicious of her because she’d mentioned more than once that she would give me the gas money to get me home and then I’d just owe her. I think she definitely had her own agenda and she was not only looking out for him, but looking out for herself. I still wonder what exactly they had going on behind the scenes. It makes me question everything.

I’m just so glad to be home, safe, and be putting all this behind me. If I didn’t have trust issues before, I do now. This whole thing taught me that I need to be straight forward with everyone so there’s no wiggle room for confusion later. I made a lot of mistakes in this deal and I’ve been analyzing myself for the last 3 days. I’m going to learn from this and be super aware of myself in the future.