3/24/14 in Letters To My Wife

Wasn't sure if I would be back to write in this diary. Doesn't seem to be much point to it anymore. I mean, yeah, we are still married technically, but does that really mean anything at this point? Still, I did come back here for a reason, though it is only because I have a hard time talking to you about us for the fear that I will lose what little is left between us by sounding critical. The things I write in here are meant for you, and I really should be telling them to you, but sometimes I wonder if it really matters, even though it is stuff that is on my mind. Sometimes, I am just afraid, like now. I am afraid that I will lose everything left, which really isn't much when you look at the grand scheme of things, but when it is all a person has left in their heart, it means the world to them. First off, I really wanted to talk to you about the things that bother me on a near daily basis. Sure, it is mostly stuff from the past, but since I pushed all those painful feelings down and disregarded them, when they started coming back up, I couldn't deal with them. The stuff about the Halloween party. You know the one I mean I think. I feel like when I told you how much what happened hurt me, it didn't mean anything to you. Worse, I ended up feeling stupid for even bringing it up. I really shouldn't end up feeling stupid for my feelings, but that is what happened. And then all the stuff with J. That was when I knew we were really over. I should have just let you go to do what you wanted then and there because I wasn't it. Frankly, I am not sure that I ever was. It makes me feel a little better when you say that you don't regret us being together, but it doesn't change anything. Really, I should have let you go when you told me you weren't in love with me anymore. While the last four years have had their ups and downs for you, you will come out better in the end. The last four years for me has all been down and there is no way I come out better for all of it in the end. Ever since I made that accursed compromise with you, I have learned some hard truths about life and it has taken everything I used to believe in away. I used to believe that people were generally good. I used to think I could actually trust people. I used to think that love was all that mattered. Now I know the truth of the world. People are not good and cannot be trusted inherently. People are only as good and trustworthy as the consequences for their actions and how those affect their own agendas. It still amazes me how guys have no problem having sex with a married woman if there is no consequence to their action. It isn't enough to be a good person. If there is nothing stopping a person, they will do whatever they want. Honor doesn't exist anymore. Guess I should have known that long before now but I still trusted people. And love, well that doesn't really mean a whole lot in the grand scheme either. Some people have it, some people don't, and for some people, it only leads to more pain. I am happy that you do not regret the life we had together. You will come out of this better than I will in the long run. But are there things I would go back and change if I could? Without a doubt. I still think you would be better off not having had me in your life. I just make things too complicated. I drag people down with me and nobody deserves that. I really just wish I would go ahead and get killed in a car accident or something. I am too much of a coward to do myself in. But I also know that the only person who can fix me is me, and I haven't fixed anything in my entire life. I mean, I can't handle fixing a lawnmower. How in the hell am I supposed to fix a person? Really, I am almost glad that we never had kids now. I would be a terrible father. There is no way I could raise a child to be a good, productive person. That kid would be doomed from the start with my family history of mental health problems, let alone anything from your side. It was a pipe dream to believe that I could be a father someday. I am not fit at all. In the end, I just wish I didn't have so many people who love me and believe in me. I am going to let them down, just like I did you. It would be better if I was completely alone. Then I could just wander off and disappear forever without hurting anybody. I'd probably end up homeless, but maybe that is better than being a drain on everybody in my life. They all seem so determined that I will be ok one day, but I won't. I am just not capable of it. I am a loser. I can't be fixed because I don't have any clue how to fix myself. I really do wish I could say all of this to you, but like I said, I am a coward and I am afraid to lose the little piece of you still in my life. It is really all I have left that I care about. The rest of it is just noise. Everyone would be better off if I would just stop being afraid of being alone and just do it already. But like I said, I am just too much of a coward.