Lessons learned. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I’ve had time to sleep and really process everything that happened with my visit several hours away and there’s plenty of lessons to be learned.

The first one is from this moment forward, I’m going to be really careful what I tell anyone right down to what medications I take. I feel like I will only tell people what I need to about my private life and even lie or side step the truth just to protect myself and my child.

The next thing is when someone shows you their true colors, believe them. Just because 2 years have past since you’ve seen them, doesn’t mean that they’ve changed and they are a better person. I’ve given this person plenty of chances in the past 6 years of knowing him and things always end badly. He doesn’t take responsibility for anything he does and even though he caused everything to go downhill, he kept telling everyone that I was ‘drama’ to avoid any and all accountability. Most people are incapable of change.

I also knew better than to bring my kid around these people because if they don’t have a problem acting like this in front of their own, why would they care how they behaved in front of mine? I don’t even have her Dad around due to his need to create conflict and then decided to bring her around people that are just as bad if not worse. I seriously can’t believe that I thought ever going there was a good idea.

I also realize that because I don’t have any friends here, that is why I chose to go down there. I knew better. I completely blame myself for this because we shouldn’t have gone to begin with. I understand that I can’t predict the behavior of others but I also knew how that bitch can be too. There’s just no way I will ever consider being physically around these people again. I was truly fearful of what this bitch was capable of doing and still feel really fortunate that we were able to leave there unscathed. I will never risk putting my daughter or myself in a situation like this ever again.

What I can say is that I think I showed good judgment by just leaving and keeping calm. There was plenty I wanted to say to that bitch but I know what it feels like to be disrespected in my own home and wasn’t going to be that way in hers. I also feel that if I would have said something she didn’t like it would have given her the green light to possibly harm me and make it to where we wouldn’t have been able to leave. I also can’t believe how calm I was with getting my daughter in the car and did it as quickly as I did because I felt like every second we were there in her driveway was giving her more time to possibly grab something to hurt me or disable my car to prevent us from leaving.

My safety was in jeopardy and I knew it. I’m just glad that we got home without a hitch and we will never plan to go more than an hour from home ever again. Drama is one thing but once I’m feeling intimidated and unsafe, that’s a whole other fucking problem. I still feel that both of those people had their motives for us coming and things didn’t go the way they wanted. I just can’t believe how shitty people can be and just downright scary.

I felt completely terrified and powerless. I am so angry at myself for allowing people to make me feel that way and they knew that I was going to not react the way I wanted had it not been for my daughter being there. I think people are really ballsy when there’s kids around because it puts you under a handicapped having to stay super calm. If this would have been 10 years ago, I would have reacted with anger and violence. I’m pissed off that I felt that I had to just sit and take their shit because there was kids around. They didn’t care how they were acting in front of a bunch of kids but I sure had to.

Never again.