Pictures are moments in time. in Whey and Sonic Screwdrivers.

Rearranging things and found a bunch of pictures of Candi and I. Got to me a little. Five years, man, five years. Occasionally, I get told how it's a "big deal" how I broke up with my fiancee. Is it strange that she never felt like a fiancee? What is a fiancee supposed to feel like? I digress.

Looking at the pictures, I could remember the different moments in which they were taken. Where I was in my life. What happened around when that picture was taken.

More and more, I'm remembering how Candi was an absolutely awesome girlfriend to completely waste a day with. When things were good and we had a day off, we'd putz around, do this, do that, do nothing. Our common interests shined and we were really good friends. I was in CVS today for an errand and couldn't help but remember all the times I went in with her to fetch her birth control with her. The little things we did together.

But, good friends was mostly what we were, especially as the sexual interest faded. The little things, she was good at, but it feels like she couldn't handle the big things. I remember a time when I thought of her as my rock, someone to fall back on. Yet, it was never a matter of going to her for comfort, or sharing anxiety, or sharing anything. It was a matter of de-stressing and having a good time with her.

But when shit got hard, and I couldn't maintain that facade of strength, she couldn't handle it. I was there for her so much, and I wasn't even strong enough to know what I needed. And in that state of weakness, I didn't feel safe going to her. To just be and let go.

Five years, man. She was a part of my life for five years. I sometimes ask myself, if she dropped by and tried to mend, whether I'd listen. No. Our trust has been damaged beyond repair. As much as I say we were good friends, we weren't friends before we dated. We just started hanging out and BAM, became a thing with each other. We didn't have that basis for how to deal with each other's problems for the sake of it.

You deal with your friend's problems because you care. You deal with your partner's because, in a way, you're supposed to. Obligation. You HAVE to be friends, first.

I have no desire to tarnish those nice memories, even if they make me cry periodically. It's a reminder that I can have that again. She was very good to me for a long time, and it pains me that, in the end, I realized I .. didn't love her like you should a partner. She put all her faith in me, like you should someone you're expecting to marry. I feel bad that I had to end things, but not regret. Because this is why you do courtship, or whatever it's called. You HAVE to know whether it feels right. Someone can be an awesome person, someone you have great memories with, someone you have things in common with, someone that matters, and STILL not be right for you.

I may deframe the pictures and keep them. Five years. If I live to be 100, that's 5% of my life, which feels pretty significant. I told myself I'd give myself a year to grieve. It was for my protection. It wasn't supposed to be literal.