Inner strength found from where? in Riverdale

Damn

So today surprisingly I had a lot of energy to get stuff done. I haven't had this type of positive motivating energy in awhile. I got my laundry done cleaned up a lot. Still a lot to do but soon enough it'll be ok.

I'm sort of back w an ex. It's not that good. But it needs to be done in a way. That sounds crazy to someone whose never been in an unhealthy abusive relationship but it's true. He's been basically bothering me every day since I've moved here beside him coincidently for both of us for a year.

Before it was easy to ignore him and not give in I had a lot more supprt albeit fake support. I was stronger and things were going well for me.

Now I've lost everything again. And everytime I saw him we would be walking by each other and he'd be with people.

This time he was basically alone and I was sitting outside at night both of us tipsy. He looked at me and I finally just gave in. I was tired of running from him. Hiding and avoiding him I can't do it anymore to a certain extent.

So we spent two good days together. I met some of his friends. They seem decent and like me but the rest of the ppl he knows I hate they are shady and creepy like him. Lol

Last few times we were together things got progressively worse.

He let me leave the last few times when I was annoyed w him. But the last time I did he grabbed my arm and wouldn't let me go and blocked the hall way. He was stronger than me this time and I didn't want it to escalate so I gave in begrudgingly. He lied to me and said no one was there but there was this creepy older man of his in his apt and it freaked me out and annoyed me. The guy finally left and as soon as he locked the door I knew the abuse was going to start and it did. He started having a panic attack and crying a bit.(I don't know if it's fake or not for sympathy) than he picked up two pairs of siccors and handed them to me telling me to use them on him. He was just testing me obviously. I pleaded w him to put them down and he finally did before sobbing some more. Than later on he was in his bedroom and said to me if I did that to him again."leave" he'd kill me....

When I confronted him he denied it.

I finally was able to leave pretending and not pretending at the same time that I still loved him I guess.

I think he does the same. Anyways I forgot my fucking glasses there and he called me last night to tell me I said to call me in the morning about them. He called but I didn't feel like picking up and seeing him.

He scares me he drains me and I don't know why I stay completely. I mean I know that in some ways I have no choice in some ways. I live beside him. I see him all the time. His friends know me. I am emotionally invested sort of. I have no family close friends or even my case worker left in my life.

All I can hope for is more supprt and hopefully a way to move pretty soon. I am sort of with him to collect intel on him. Find out what he's capable of if I completely leave him. Find out the truth of him completely. Use him for what I can I guess for now.

But I just hate him too. He fucks me up terrifies me. Annoys me. Turns me off sometimes so much. Upsets me. Hurts me.

Than at other times he fascinates me. Understands me. Cares for me. Interests me. Protects me. Supprts me.

But lately it's just been not enough.

I want to be friends w him. I want to be lovers w him. I wanna be enemies w him. I want us to be strangers to each other all at the same time.

It's really confusing and fusterating.

Why did God once again put us in each others paths. What good could ever come out of this for me?