King's Pawn to e4 in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

I've been withdrawing and self-destructive again which is never a good place.

Last time there was any Pub Trivia, it was movie trivia... not our strong suit and MK couldn't make it, but we still tied for third place. I asked Shawn about the marriage counselor he used. He told me it was an Australian guy that was really good... he said, even though he still got divorced, without the marriage counseling the divorce would not have been as amicable as it was. He couldn't remember the guy's name or info, though... and since Shawn left for a Tour of the American South... I won't have the counselor's information until next week.

Partly due to Shawn's departure, we all cancelled Pub Trivia for this week. Tom, intelligently, used the extra time to study for the Bar Exam. MK, wisely, used the extra time to get a new job (funny that I imagine she's looking, and she actually is). MK is getting nothing but bad news on that front though. Not that it surprises me much... one of 2013's best students only got a job four weeks ago... yes, the market is still that epically shitty.

Along those same lines- we FINALLY received our end grades and class rank. I ended law school with another semester of 3.3. But that means my entire law school GPA was 2.87... the EXACT same number as my undergraduate GPA. So, basically- I got an 83% in Law School. BUuuuuuUT my class was super competitive in a lot of ways. How competitive? With a 2.87 I only broke the top 66%. If I had averaged 3.3 instead of merely getting it for half of my law school career... I would have broken the top half. You don't want to know what it would have taken to get into the top 10%!

Back to a different note... without Pub Trivia- my life would be study, work, wife. Studying is the furthest thing from a social activity you can find; work involves limited contact and only with inmates; so my social world has to rely, at least in part, on my wife... which is always a disaster. So I've been withdrawing... which is why I haven't written or read on ProseBox in a long time. And I've been self-destructive... which expresses itself in two ways. First, I dive into a bottle. I come from a very long line of ridiculously high-functioning drunks. I don't know how best to describe it because... there is very little perceptible difference between me sober and me drunk unless I chose to exhibit it. I state that simply to say... I may dive into a bottle, but not many people would be able to tell. Second, I ignore my law school stuff.

Ignoring law school stuff is dangerous, silly, and avoidance. By ignoring all law school items; I get to ignore the vast empty wasteland of the non-existent job openings... but ignoring a potentially life-threatening/altering problem sure as hell doesn't help solve it. But worse? I've not been studying for the bar. I've put in maybe 10 hours total into my studies, and by this time I'm supposed to have put in 120 hours of studying. I'm dead but... it is always so difficult to get past the emotional shit to force myself to fight for a future I may or may not have.

I guess that is it. Other than semi-destructive Wednesday. So, I'm trying to lose weight. Partially because my wife has been using her weight and my weight as an excuse for why we don't have any intimacy. Partially because I already have body temperature issues... at my healthiest, I still sweat waterfalls in any elevated heat... so being healthier is important. And yes, partially because- if my wife doesn't think I need to feel attractive, I wouldn't mind getting that from somewhere else. Meaning, if my wife isn't going to do anything that makes me feel loved or wanted.... I wouldn't mind losing weight, getting attractive, and turning some stranger's head. ANYWAY- to try to get that, I'm watching my food intake. Wednesday... I had 2 bananas, 3 cherry tomatoes, and a bag of carrots. That was it for the day. Stupid but... this whole thing is really getting to me. The longer my wife pushes me away, deprives me of emotional and physical intimacy... the more any and all of my own personal insecurities jump out at me. Instead of the dry skin around my eyes to be a nuisance, it becomes a Quasimodo mask. Instead of my gut being manageable, I see it as a cartoonish balloon.

This entry... went incredibly long. I should work on that.