Double Entry... in Journal

  • April 7, 2022, 10:48 p.m.
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  • Public

I made lasagna and it smells so freaking good.

2 for 3? Crypto market is down, but not for 2 of 3 of the new assets I decided to dabble in. The 2 are up slightly. win?

Things have been… interesting… with DH.
He is aware that he does things that hurt our relationship, but does nothing about it. I tend to talk at length about my thoughts and feelings regarding his actions. Sometimes, I think it connects. Most of the time, I don’t think it does. And that’s part of the harm he contributes to. He makes to effort, and no attempt, to connect. I have to guess. I believe he recognizes it, though. I don’t know if he is quite capable of being honest with himself, though. There is always some excuse. Some unreality fog of no-fault that he retreats to. The conversation that goes on;
M”Did you do “blank”?” I ask.
DH”I didn’t mean to.”
M”That’s not what I asked.”
DH”I was trying to find out-” he goes on.
M”But did you actually do that?”
DH”No.”
M”Then what happened? Did you do “blank”?”
DH”I acknowledge that from your perspective it would seem like I was “blank”.”
M”Uh, okay, so you are saying that you did do it or not? You’re giving me conflicting answers.”
DH”There’s intention that matters, here! I mean, there’s manslaughter and there’s murder.”
M”Sure, but I’m still just asking if there is a dead body or not.”
This back and forth about intention, empiricism, and reality will go on for up to a half hour. FINALLY, he admits that he has a compulsion to make up scenarios wherein almost anything is possible. “What is wrong with gathering evidence, first?” I ask. “Why not see what the evidence is, and then build some inferences from there?”
Idk, he says. I’m scared. I’m anxious. I’m annoyed. I’m confused. I wanted to ask for clarity but I just didn’t.

Well. I mean. The guy is choosing the fog over reality to avoid the discomfort of facing reality. I get it. But he won’t be honest about it to himself.


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