My Mom, in Journal

the Fucking Liar.

I should have known all along. She’s always been a bitch. The only reason she ever asked me what I liked or wanted, was to punish me with it.

After I had my son, about 4 months or so, I became excited and energetic and talkative about finally getting back in the saddle. I really love my horse, Cloud. I still do. It took so long to recover from birth because I had some pretty traumatic injuries. Still, I recovered as well as, and as fast as, expected. So, when the time came, I was pumped.
Then, mom came for a visit and very somberly, very soberly and with as much quiet sadness as she could muster, told me that she was taking Cloud back for my own good. She didn’t want to see me get hurt. He’s a dangerous horse.
Needless, I was beyond broken about this. I could not fucking believe what she was telling me. After everything. I had trained Cloud, taken him everywhere, raised him from the wild 5yo he was- and let me tell you, it is NOT EASY to break a 5yo. At the expense of my own horse and my own ambitions. I didn’t want a half draft derposoraus. I wanted my elegant Thoroughbred mare to take me breezily over fields and fences and ditches. I wanted a foxhunter, or a cross-country competitor, or at least a sure footed trail horse. But, mom wanted a draft. Mom wanted Cloud. And she wanted me to train Cloud. So, she did. And, I did. But after that mom didn’t want Cloud anymore. But she wanted to keep him. And she wanted a different horse.
I should never have done it, but I sold my goddam dream horse- a Thoroughbred named Allie- so she could keep Cloud. And I would ride him, so she could have something she was comfortable with to ride.
And then, when I was finally healed and ready to ride, she told me she was getting rid of Cloud.

And, to her credit, (or so I thought) mom after some argument agreed that I could take Cloud off her hands if I were to find a place and the finances to board. Because she sprang it on me, and I had just refenced for cattle, I couldn’t just put him on our farm. He’s pretty retarded, and would impale himself on a t-post in a minute. So it was suddenly up to me to come up with boarding and find a place. BUT (or so I thought), mom would give me until Spring.
Now, I have felt guilty because I stopped talking to her and made the decision that Cloud, and all the clusterfuck of paperwork and her meddling was just not worth my sanity. I did make that decision. I don’t regret it. It was the right thing to do.
But, what I feel so fucking mad about is, she didn’t wait. She never waited. Even though she told me she would. Even though she sent me a sentimental and “heartfelt” letter about how he was rehomed after that Spring. I just found a post about Cloud’s adoptive family from literally the very next month that she told me about her decision.

Fucking mom. It was a mistake to ever trust her, at all.