Job interview. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have been doing a lot of thinking about my job interview tomorrow and I’m already feeling there’s a huge red flag that I just can’t ignore. I had asked about working at the location that’s closer to me and he said that it may happen if they have someone quit but made it clear that it’s overall not an option. I already feel controlled and that I wouldn’t be happy. I know that I want to work but I want to feel like I have some kind of say in where too. Gas is still super expensive and there would be days where I would have to drive at least 12 miles just to drop my kid off with the babysitter if there isn’t school!

The whole thing has already made me mad and I doubt I’ll go tomorrow. Gas is just so expensive and I don’t feel like driving 10 miles to the interview. I wish that more interviews were over the phone. I am not trying to have excuses whatsoever but I just worry that this job would be more hassle than what it’s worth. I also would rather just get through the Summer and find a better paying job once school starts. The key to life is to make it as easy as possible and I think if I took this job life would be a lot harder for not only me, but my child too.

I also worry that if I get a job, even if it was a couple of days a week, that I would make too much and lose my health insurance so then I would have to find a job full time to be able to afford health coverage which means I would be taking that much more time away from my child and going broke paying for it! All of this is just so fucking complicated and it’s driving me crazy. I haven’t worked a real job in so long because I just don’t to complicate everything more than it already is.

But I would like to get a gym membership for my daughter and myself and I have to find a new counselor because mine took another job and I’d like to find a place that’s closer to my house because of gas prices. It would be great to find one over the phone honestly because then if there isn’t school, I don’t have to try and find a sitter.

Being a single Mom is probably the hardest job I’ve ever had but I wouldn’t change it for the world. I do think I spend a lot of time bitching to the point where people feel that I’m really unhappy. I want to work on being more positive. I always get upset when I feel others are too negative but I’m starting to see it within myself too. I have thoughts about how her Dad has never had to juggle daycare and a job and doesn’t know what it’s like to never get to do things on his own time. My whole life is my child and as much as I love her and being her Mom, I wish her Dad was to take some accountability but that’ll never happen.

I don’t like saying I hate him but I do. I also hate that my friends and family have contact with him even when I’ve said to stop. I feel like I can’t move on because he just won’t go away! I also don’t get how my brother will tell me shit about him but then when I try and speak on it, I get my head bit off. It’s like okay well you fucking brought him up!

Like I completely get that I have made mistakes too and I don’t blame him for everything but I struggle to not let everything go as well. I know I always say, “it is what it is” but yet I still complain like it’s going to have a positive affect on this shit and it never will. The guy doesn’t care that he’s left me with the weight of the world on my shoulders so I need to find a way to let it go. I’ve spent a lot of time being sad, being angry, and crying buckets of tears because of stress, money, and just exhaustion but I have to find a way to truly be okay with how everything turned out.

By complaining about what he’s done to me and my child and constantly being stressed out is still letting him win in a sense. I still just don’t know how to relax and I really need to work on not being a ball of nerves anymore.

I also wonder how supportive my friend is when she’s made a lot of comments to let me know that she likes my struggles. I get that whole saying about quit telling people your problems because 20% don’t care and the other 80% are glad you have them. It really does make a lot of sense. I don’t know if maybe she’s just sick of hearing me being negative or she’s glad that I have these problems. Who knows?! All I know is I have cut back on telling her a lot of stuff because I wonder what could be said behind my back.

So we’re getting ready to leave.