Pressure in Current Events

I don’t feel like I am doing anything for myself. I am not even thinking about myself let alone doing anything for myself. I am not doing anything that advances me in life. I have dreams but I have no goals to make them come true. I keep putting that off, I keep putting everything off. Procrastination is my toxic trait. It’s how I create a false sense of control. Thus, it is obvious to me that I am not in control. My fear is. It’s not safe to make any big moves right now.

I am putting all of the pressure on myself. Everything else just adds to it. The smallest things make me feel like I am being crushed. I live with somebody who can barely do things for herself around here. I work with somebody who won’t even get herself to work, I take her to and from work. When I’m not at work I am exhausted from it. My days start at 4:30 am. On the weekends all I want to do is rest. My entire weeks are just me impatiently waiting for Sunday when I get the apartment to myself.

I ended up leaving work early today. I couldn’t cope, I just wanted to get away from the world and shrink my surroundings. I had an opportunity to be alone and not have to be mindful of anyone but I wasted it on a long nap. I feel smothered by Toni and she isn’t even doing anything. She’s just always home like I am. She’s awake when I go to bed, she’s awake when I get home, she is home when I leave for work and she is home when I come home from work. I could have worse situations, I know that. I’ve had worse situations, actually.

My work will be cutting my hours down to what they are supposed to be. That is the goal anyway. I haven’t decided if I want to try and find a second job or just enjoy my free time. I don’t want full-time hours with them, to be honest. The big idea would be to go back to school but that isn’t in the cards right now because of this vaccine inquisition. I am a heretic, I do not want to be re-legioned to this godless cult that cannibalizes babies with their vaccines. Disease does not even work the way the cult vehemently believes it does. This white man, western medicine, creates the disease. Our bodies are the cure, the symptoms. It’s so simple but their medical bible of disease category complicates it to filth. Everybody is self-harming because of their religion of $cience. How has nobody in this cult caught a single lie yet after all of this time? We can’t even get to the big lie that is germ theory. These people are all so stupid. They are a danger to themselves and their children. This is so hard to witness. I can’t take the pressure of it either.

I am addicted to my phone. I cannot put it down. I need to detox from it. I am in coping mode because of this world war that started in 2020. I am a prisoner in my own country until I take experimental medicine. Until I join their eugenics program. I am constantly surrounded by that medical cult of fascists. A medical Taliban of radicalized idiots who cannot produce an original thought to save their lives. I stand with the current thing. Now the propaganda is building a narrative about a new H1N1 in my country. This cult is going to go along with that LARP now too. My country reached herd stupidity, that’s all we did. What we did was flood this country with foreign nationals who are only patriots of their homelands. They didn’t earn the rights that they are helping give away. Also, Gen x is the defunct generation that is in the way. The majority have failed to modernize and learn how to become digitally literate to inform themselves. We all have a responsibility to be intelligent but that generation is too committed to their cults. They don’t even know how to audit what the news is telling them. Absolute disappoints they are. Of course they are cleaving to the old normal, that system is only serving them. Of course, that system is collapsing and they are not invited to the next one. #COVAIDS

I could be reading any of the books I’ve purchased in the last year instead of staring at my phone until my eyes bleed. Expanding my knowledge in everything esoteric is better than this cult we call politics. We are spiritualizing our own prison and diseases and I think that I just need to meet people on my level. I can’t connect to anyone in my life. They’re all sleepwalking through life and very committed to their fictions and suffering. I want to meet somebody real and talk about things that are real. I am so tired of having to water myself down for everyone.

Whatever, I think I complained long enough. I don’t want to spend my evening sulking. I already know that I am going to be spending it locked in my room away from my roommate. I would go for a walk but it’s still cold here. This winter is a neverending story. I’m so over it. I can already predict my summer, actually. Everyone in my age group is fat, can’t run, can’t shit and doesn’t do anything adventurous. I went camping with some friends last year and all we did was sit around the campsite. It was boring. Where is the adventure? Whatever. Whatever. Whatever.