Anxiety attacks and parenting hell in Bittersweet

Ive felt it building for a while now. Ive been feeling like im going into a hypomanic state. Ive been saying things and having a hard time shutting my mouth. Ive been jittery and its hard to say. Its like nervous energy but more then that. Like… I drank way too much caffeine and i was shaking too much. Ive been really badw with my mouth. Its like I say things and have no will power to stop. Ill say something and wonder why the hell I said that. Why the hell cant I stop talking. Its one of my early warning signs. Friday im pretty sure was the apex, I was up until 5 am reading and couldent go to bed. I think I drank about 4 of my sodas. That is a LOT of soda lol. But I was jittery and couldent sleep. I said dumb shit, like shit about myself and my past i normally DONT talk about. I even called myself crazy at one point. Hypomanic episodes are typically short for me. I dont have them often. I have what i call mini manic episodes where im hyper and everything is awesome. Then I have things like friday where I want to beat my head into a rock to stop myself from saying or doing stupid shit. Shit like driving fast and being reckless.

Anyway. I had another bit of a panic attack last night. Wasnt as bad as Sat night. But not great. I was hyperventalating and couldent calm down, then i go into crying and laughing. Pretty sure my husband thinks im crazy when this shit happens. It got super windy at 4 am, after i slept. And he wonders if i felt it coming on. The wind stresses me out so much when its 60 mph gusts. I dont know. Im not sure how my body can predict heavy winds… Not like its on the news, Not that I watch the news… We got a warning for winter weather. Which is snowed a half an inch lol.

Then Saturday my son had a vape in his room. My husband went in there for some reason and he was vaping in the bedroom. We damn near had a meltdown but managed to go get our younger son from his friends and then talked about it. Not only with him but my 17 yo who was in the room at the same time. Im not really sure what we are going to do beyond that but right now he is in his room and only coming out to do the chores ( he did this not us)
Its like. I dont even know how to parent a teen.... can i give them back? the 17 is much easier but i was upset he didnt tell me or his dad about the caping. He said Co has had it a month, Co says he got it on thursday at school. Remember he got suspended a month ago for having juice on him. He said he held it for a kid who was getting searched.

So i buy pot candies occasionally. They help with my hip pain and sleeping when i hurt that bad. So i went to get one a while ago and a brand new bag of 10, had 1 in it. I had never opened it because A i dont overly like mango and b, i couldent actually OPEN the bag, the zip was so bad. I cut it open to realize it had one candy inside. Both teens said drug test me, i didnt take it… But what we realized. co has a brand new nike hoodie pop up. He has cologne that I dont buy ( migraine trigger) he has a few random things here and there that we did NOT buy… T now thinks he took the candies and traded them for things he want… So now we are installing video cameras in the kitchen and living room. Im tired of the lies. Just be honest with me. We did dumb shit too. But sometimes dumb shit is dangerous shit…

Well New gal started today. I think its going well. She says it is. Fingers crossed....
For work and surviving kid 2 being 14…