Why I'm Voting UKIP (Part 1) in Nine Dollar Phrases

For the benefit of my American readers UKIP is our equivalent of your Tea Party. These were various reasons I decided I would vote for UKIP in the election we just had

1: As a Colombian I already know what it's like to live under Shakira Law and I don't want people confusing my breasts for mountains. Again

2: As a mixed race chap I want to know which half of me they'll try to deport

3: I resent the fact that my highly skilled and specialised day job could easily be outsourced to an illiterate Bulgarian peasant.

4: I dislike fantasizing about Slavic girls every time I butter my toast. Call me a bluff old traditionalist but I prefer my milk churning wenches to be wart raddled old crones

5: It rained the night before the election and it's not fair that gay people are having sex when I'm not getting any

6: I want to stop millionaire Russian meerkats stealing all the best advertising jobs from hard working British stoats

7: In my childhood I was forced to play with Sylvanian Families. Go back to Sylvania you furry critters!

8: Because the Central Line smells relentlessly of flatulence and not the boisterous British bottom burp kind but the fetid foreign fart kind

9: If we're forced by the Moslamiks to worship Aslan then it will always be winter but NEVER Christmas

10: I don't want millions of pounds of taxpayers money spent on ensuring all Mecca Bingo Halls face East