Endings will become beginnings in Daydreaming on the Porch

One thing I am struck with these days is how complicated and rushed life seems to be. I know deep down that I can stop, slow down and concentrate on being in the moment, and then life seems to alter a bit and things are, for a brief moment, as they are and should be. And then it passes and the anxiety and worry and that feeling of never having enough time to do everything pops up again. So much to keep track of: paperwork, bills, insurance, work, caregiving, my many good books that are not read, the clutter that needs to be weeded out, and on and on.

I am tired thinking about it. I know when push comes to shove, things will get done finally. I am waiting for that time now so that I can begin the monumental task of clearing out and cleaning up the upstairs space at the house in downtown Charleston.

For the first time ever, really, since I started my job, and particularly since I passed the age of early retirement (62), I feel ready to retire, or at least, ready to accept that life is much more than the job that has consumed my daylight ours and many nights for many years now, and has been the only source of my social life. I really feel that has to change, yet I know I have to wait it out two more years until I can get Medicare.

Last week I was saying I could work, and, might HAVE to work indefinitely until 70 or more. This week I want so badly the leisure time and peace that comes with being able to sit on the porch all morning with my coffee and not have to scramble to get to work. And work seems to be less necessary for me now to be the person I have become and am meant to be. It's still fulfilling and rewarding, but it's not as busy, the profession is changing. and it's like my generation and our skills are becoming a bit obsolete in the Internet/social media/Age of Google.

I have had a 40-year work life including four distinct career areas. I didn't come to my present job until I was 43. By then I had already worked in a social services field (for the developmentally disabled); done fund raising and public relations work; been a newspaper reporter and editor at weekly papers; and taught school (middle school and college level) for five years. So, I near the end of my various careers with my present and final "career" job, and will have completed 20 years there at the end of this year. That is a milestone I am indeed grateful and proud of, but one which I never felt I'd reach earlier in my life. I see people at my job who have worked no place else for decades or for many years, and I am thankful that I at least had a variety of jobs, places and experiences on my journey in life instead of one job or career. Despite the sometimes traumatic job failures, I can look back and see that I accomplished a lot and made life a little better along the way for many people. I can't ask for much more than that.

And now, life goes on, the job is not as fresh, and I see retirement looming ahead. When will it be? Where will I go to live? What will I do? That's what's exciting about it. All those big questions to answer and a time in which I will start over near the end of life. Endings into beginnings.