Dreams in Phoenix Rises Again

Perhaps they are where hope goes to die. I dreamed of you again last night Jay. Twice. The first dream I remembered having had before. I don’t remember much now.

In the 2nd dream it was Christmas. You and your roommates were celebrating Saturnalia. You got me a present. It had to do with some weird holiday tradition. I started to apologise that I didn’t have a present for you because I didn’t think I’d be seeing you on this year on Christmas, or ever on Christmas… you walked away while I was talking. I tried to follow but you said that thia was a private room. I was very sad. I sat down in the hallway and you came back out to talk to me. You were an old woman by appearance but still had your voice and eyes. You explained that you were teaching me how hurtful it was not to listen. You called me by a pet name and talked gently to me, affectionately. I could tell you loved me and at any minute we’d be having a special moment. But the dream ended before that. I got the sense that your fiance wasn’t around anymore, time had passed. I don’t know what happened to her or how long it had been. Megan was there somewhere. And I think Tia had a baby in one of the rooms nursing. Her baby is much older than that so it must have been a brand new one. I wonder if she will have another.

I was upset to wake up. Sad all day. Missing you. I hate that I can only see you in my dreams and in those I cant control anything. You are always the one in control, as per usual. But I can’t escape my reservations in my dreams either. Always worried I’ll say or do the wrong thing, even if I know it’s a dream. Isnt that silly?

You said it wouldn’t be the last time I saw you, but how could it not be? And there’s no new pictures of you and her. No news. Maybe no news is good news but it still feels cold. Like you are just gone. And my brain can’t handle that. How will I cope and keep my sanity without the occasional show to hear you sing and see you smile and hug you? I have no right to you, but I need you.

Keep trying to fall in love. Trying hard. But it doesn’t seem to be working. My mind just drifts back to you. How could anyone out do that? Even when I’m not comparing, every option just seems lackluster and tedious. Will I ever fall in live with anyone else? Or will it always be you digging a hole in my heart? I tried so hard not to let you in. I tried so hard. But somehow you got in anyway, and now it feels empty and sore where you should be in my heart.

“Life is pain Highness. Anyone who tells you otherwise is selling something.”
-Wesley, The Princess Bride