Moving thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve heard back and I’m thinking I need more time to decide what I really want. I know that I don’t want to stay here but I also worry that moving several hours away could end up in complete disaster and be a huge mistake because if I wanted to come back, I know that I wouldn’t find anywhere to live here in my town so I’d have to live further out which may not be a good thing since gas prices are so freaking high now.

My friend acts like me moving isn’t that big of a deal and I can just wing everything once I get there. I’m the type of person where I want to have a pretty solid plan or a really good idea of what I will do with my kid so I’m able to work and have a break sometimes.

I just have a lot of issues where I’m not trying to hold on to the past and I do struggle to let things go when my friend where I’d be moving to has done a lot of shitty things to me and then not talk to me again until I reach out and then we never clear the air of why we stopped talking in the first place. I feel like this last time where we had that car accident and he stopped cooperating with the insurance company so I was left to think I’m going to be hung out to dry and then we didn’t talk for over a year until I finally reached out to him.

I’m just so tired of people never taking any accountability for their part they played and I’m always the one to reach out and mend everything and because they can’t admit to being wrong, we just leave the broken parts of the story and just go on never to clear the air. That just doesn’t sit right with me and I’ve just had too many relationships like this.

So I’ll probably let my landlord know tomorrow that I’m still thinking about leaving and how hard it is to reach a landlord and find something that’s going to work for me. I’d like to have some more time to think and if we do go, I’m going to shoot more for May or even June. I was pretty sure I wanted to go like 2 weeks ago but my daughter and I have been seeing my niece and I do like that we are already established here. We have kindergarten transition coming up on the 22nd.

My friend also wants me to come down there on Thursday but got really quiet when I asked where we would stay. I mean, it’s like he just wants me to figure it all out on my own and spend a fuck ton of money when I seriously don’t know if I want to even move to begin with. I get that it would be easier to look for places and everything but I am not trying to spend money on gas, food, and a fucking hotel room!

Then, come back and if we do move, pack up my whole house. Rent a Uhaul, spend money to drive 3 cars back and afford deposit and other moving expenses. Like how much money does this bitch think I have?!?!?!?

I also think about the fact that I’ve always been on my own and have felt lucky when I’ve gotten even less than the bare minimum from everyone so why go 5 hours from home where it would more than likely be even worse?! I have asked him several times if he was going to help me load the Uhaul and it was pretty much a hard no. So, my question is if I’m already on my own then why make life harder for MYSELF to move somewhere knowing it’s going to be worse because there would be no help whatsoever?!

He’s pretty much already set the tone for how it would be if I moved. Like I have no problem packing everything but there’s some stuff I can’t move by myself, either it’s too heavy or because my hallway is too narrow to get stuff out without help. I guess I’m just a different breed because if I had a friend that’s looking to pack up their whole life and move 5 hours from their hometown so that we could be closer and be able to hang out as much as we want, I would be a lot more receptive to wanting to help.

It also pisses me off that no one cares to help unless they are getting paid. It’s like him telling me that his friend is willing to watch my kid so I can work but I’d have to pay her and then saying I would have to pay her kids each $20 to unload my UHaul. It’s just crazy how this world is and everything has to be monetized. I guess maybe I could be a little too sensitive because I would try and be different when I know my friend has had it hard and has done it all by herself for years, even before she had a baby and more now because she’s a single Mom that’s owed thousands in child support.

I look at all of this shit and realize this is why I’ve been so closed off my whole life because I just feel that everyone has their own motives and everything always has to be about money. My friend even said that the other day but yet, he’s the same way. I just don’t get how someone can be so contradictory.

For me, I have just been on my own my whole life and have fought an uphill battle with everyone and just feel drained. Whether we move or stay here, I’m going to continue to fight a this battle but at least here, I do have my brother a mile away and already have a place to live and know where my kid is going to school. I’m going to fight this losing battle regardless of where I live.

Another issue is my daughter is in school until the end of May and I’ve gotten really used to having a break and being able to get stuff done without finding/paying a babysitter. I have a dentist appointment next month where I’m going to have to find a sitter but other than that, I’m doing fine.

Anyways, time to get the little to bed.