Preliminary cleaning. in Since OD is shutting down....

I decided to go through the cupboards in the kitchen and clean them out. I want to start the cleaning/organizing phase of potentially moving. I’ve made calls today and have to call again tomorrow morning to try and get things in motion. I haven’t told my friends where I’m moving personal things and don’t plan to unless I have to. I like to keep some things private and that’s how I’ve always been.

There’s a lot going into packing and moving and I just want to get a really good headstart. I don’t plan to start packing until I’ve secured a place there and have paid the deposit.

I’ve done a lot of thinking on how I’ll never have the relationship with my Mom that I’d like to have as long as she’s with my Dad. I also don’t think she’s come over here to babysit just to see and hang out with my kid. I firmly believe that she’s done it because she gets paid for it. I think she cares in her own way but I don’t think she cares the way a Grandma should.

I also think it’s bullshit I’m not to set limits or have any kind of boundaries because if I do, my daughter suffers for it. I stand up to anyone and then my kid doesn’t see anyone for weeks or months until I stick my neck out and make up with whoever I stood up to.

My daughter gets off the bus yesterday and said she missed Grandma. I felt bad but I just can’t reach out and fix things anymore. I’m more concerned with trying to move and figure out packing and deposit and making this a go.

It’s just emotionally and sometimes financially too taxing trying to get along with everyone for the sake of my kid. Once I try and tell people how I feel then they’re mad and my kid doesn’t see them. I just can’t spend my life doing this anymore. My daughter is almost 5 now and nothing has changed or gotten remotely better and I’m not going to stay here and keep inviting toxic people in because the chaos is familiar. Whatever I put myself through, I’m also putting my kid though.

I’m just tired of feeling like I have to bite my tongue and I can only do it for so long until I finally say something. I just always feel like I have to let people run all over me and as some point my kid is going to get old enough to start to see these unhealthy relationships and it’s my job as her Mother to show her what healthy looks like. It’s like I’m just surrounded my narcs and people that aren’t emotionally mature.

I just can’t be the one to always reach out to everyone because I think it’s time that everyone could make some effort too. It shouldn’t be just up to me!