Trying to Turn it Around in Phoenix Rises Again

My life is in a bad place all around. I know I’m supposed to be positive but first Ima just dump some things here they’ve been bothering me.
1. A guy put his dick in me without permission and now I really want to get tested for STIs but without medical insurance that’ll cost over 100 dollars.
2. Need to get down to the center to fill put paperwork for Medicaid but cant get a ride and ita too far to walk.
3. Still no transportation.
4. Had a conversation with my dad about wanting to feel safe and asking him to make me feel safe. He just keeps buying me shit thinking he can distract me from it as if this is all just a bad mood I’m in and not a serious problem.
5. Got showered with used needles that my mom hid in the snack cabinet and she thinks I’m nuts for being upset about that.
6. Really unhappy with my body right now.
7. The girl I like doesn’t seem to want to let me spend any time with her. We keep making tentative plans but she won’t set an actual date for our getting together for them.
8. I have no safe place to run away to here. Its constant tension. I feel like I have no real support system and that’s scary.

Now fuck all that. Let’s do the positivity thing. All good things.
1. I went for a walk today and took my son to the park.
2. My dad says he’s getting his car fixed so I can take it to work.
3. I talked to Finely today. I really miss him and wish he were still here.
4. I asked an old friend to go to Jam night with me when it happens again. I’d love to see him join the scene. Think itd be good for him.
5. My sons covid test came up negative. He seems to like his new school.
6. I cleaned today.
7. Tried my first pokebowl the other day.
8. The hottub seems to be working most of the time now.

Those last 8 were much harder to come up with. People dont understand how hard it is to be positive. Maybe if they read these lists they’d understand why. Do they seem even to you? Maybe I need to try harder to make good things happen so it feels more even. But the thing is… I didn’t have to do anything at all to rack up all the bad things at the beginning. I never do. It is rarely my own mistakes that put me in a bad way and that’s what’s so frustrating.

Please God if you’re still listening… I know I’m not everything you’d like me to be but I really need my angel back. I really need some help down here. I really need a way out. Please keep me and my son safe until I find it. And please keep looking after Jay. I worry all the time. I know you are watching out for him so I shouldn’t worry but please, please keep him safe. Maybe if I’m lucky I’ll get to see him again someday.

Sometimes all I can do is pray.