February 3, 2022 in The Past

So, it’s another day that I should be in bed and another night of staying up all night because by the time my body said it was time to go to sleep, it’s not worth sleeping before picking up Rider. I figure I’m going to end up staying up till 2am, go pick him up, drive home and nap for a few hours before getting up and doing what I should be doing. Hell, I should be going and making cream puffs right now – I might do the baking after Court gets home and gets his food made… or maybe start a batch before, I don’t know.

Eru and I had a bad fight today. I was already in a really down mood and then we had that. I ended up self harming before I could catch myself. That has me really really really worried. Normally I can catch myself before giving into the impulses to hurt. I’ll get better at that I think, and we did have a bit of a breakthrough. I told him that it was a lot like lancing a boil, working through our hangups. We both have scars from trauma and have to learn how to deal with it and each other. This argument had to do with figuring out plans, of all things. I always ask “what’s your plans for the day?” whenever I get a chance to talk with him for the first time of that part of the day. So I may ask that in the morning when we are getting up, and then maybe later in the evening to see if anything was added, that sort of thing. In my mind it’s a good opener for discussion about plans and schedules and the like. Well, after we first moved in together, he declared that Thursdays are his rest day (I’m still a little salty about this – less than Mom but more than I really think I need to be / he realizes). I didn’t realize it… well, no, I knew it, but I didn’t care because I was so self absorbed – but I used that question passive agressively and kind of did an “Why don’t you have plans?” undertone.

I’ve gotten better in the past few years, I’m trying not to get to the point of passive aggressiveness, and I’ve made good progress on that. Well, Lately when I’ve asked Eru what his plans are on Thursday, his comment to me would be, “It’s Thursday.” Which doesn’t tell me anything and just frustrates me.

Today that happened. I asked him what his plans were and I got “It’s Thursday.” I tried to tell him that it wasn’t a good enough answer for me, that I need a better answer and not a glib, assholish answer and it ended up being the two of us talking around in circles until I broke down. I tried to tell him that I wanted to know what his plans were so that we could plan things and make sure everyone’s able to do what they want on that particular day – touch base kind of thing. His reply was that since I had plans for the weekend, that my plans were the important ones and that with my asking “what’s your plans?” It’s like I’m asking his permission to get things done and blah blah blah.

My thought was that it was only polite to enquire about your partner’s plans and make sure that things could be scheduled and the like. I told him that I was trying to talk with him and make sure that there wasn’t anything that was pressing for him (apparently saying “It’s Thursday” is supposed to mean that there’s nothing pressing) and that if I had anything that was time sensitive (I have to be at X place at Y time) that I would start with that, and if I didn’t start with it, it means there wasn’t anything with a hard and fast deadline.

Round and around we argued, neither one seeming able to comprehend what the other was saying. Well, no, we both understood where the other one was coming from, but none of it changed the fact that we were dealing with our own preconcieved notions. It was exhausting and about a third of the way through it, I got the urge to just… hurt. I had so many things flowing around inside of my head and I wanted it to stop. I wanted the pain to stop, and for the argument and just… everything. So I slammed my head into the back of the headboard – it kept me from saying all the horrible things I wanted to say, gave me something to focus on and allowed me to just… go blank. The only thing I could think after I did it was, “I should have done it harder.” This happened twice. I think I might have gave myself a concussion. >.> Smart.

Eventually we finally got to the root of the problem – the fact that I’ve used that question for passive agressiveness, and the problem I have with “It’s Thursday” (It’s a way to shut down conversation and sounds like “fuck you” to me. We came up with an idea of how to go forward and the like. Which is good, really good. i just wish it didn’t take an argument to get there.

Last updated March 29, 2023