best worst movie in poetry

the only movie I ever walked out on
I didn't walk out on
it was the second feature at a drive-in
so I didn't walk out actually I drove
the movie was called "Scary Movie Two"
and I didn't have high hopes at all
I was mostly there for the A-feature
but we paid our money for the whole show
and figured David Cross was in it
so it couldn't be all bad

as great as David Cross often is
I guess the guy has mortgage payments too
if the Alvin and the Chipmunks movies are any evidence
he must have fifteen mortgages in the south of France
and as awful as the Alvins were
Scary Movie Two was twice as bad
that was the only movie that I walked out on
but I didn't even walk
we chalked it up to having just paid for the first film
we drove away

the only movie that I stood up and booed at the end of
was "Highlander: Endgame"
the movie version of the Highlander spin-off television series
if you want to parse out that particular bit of meta-fiction
the movie of the teevee version of the movie
but I didn't walk out
I stayed and I booed
about a tenth of a theatre's worth of people
in a Syracuse mall on opening night booed too
because it was lethally bad
trying to serve both the original film and the series
and neither fish or fowl it failed at both
so in Syracuse a million miles away
from Hollywood or Vancouver or Eastern Europe where it was made
ten or fifteen people stood up and booed the credits

we were so mystified
we had to stay straight through the end
to see how bad it could possibly get
we didn't walk out, though
we stayed to boo
to boo into the ether
at the names of people
we would never meet
it was just that bad

the only movie I ever fell asleep to
was Woody Allen's "Annie Hall"
because it was just some guy
trying so goddamned hard to say
"look how clever I am"
"look at all these philosophers names I know"
"look at how deep I presume myself to be"
I guess that I fell asleep in the middle
because I had already lived it
I'd already been there
I'd already passed through that phase
and didn't even get to be rich and famous for it
I just went to college like a billion other schmucks
oh gosh Woody yes
I know who fucking Kierkegaard is too
do you want a medal?
good for you

I've been walked out on
and I've worked on movie sets
and both will probably happen to me again sometime
but I don't take bets
I don't take bets