I just want to move. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have always wanted to move away from my hometown as this place just doesn’t serve me anymore. I’m tired of having anxiety everywhere I go because I’m always worried about running into someone that doesn’t like me and them starting shit. I also can’t stand how people are just so rude here for no reason. I’m also sick of my family and feeling like I have really shitty, unhealthy relationships with them because they want everything all their own way.

My Mom came and babysit for about 4 hours yesterday. While I was gone, she text to ask if my daughter can have the leftover chicken and cauliflower that was in the fridge. Well, as it turns out, she fucking ate it and fed my kid cereal for dinner. I have only bitched about my kid having sweets for probably 2 years as she’s overweight for her age and height. I don’t want her to end up with health problems because of sweets.

I’m just sick of my Mom eating so much of our food while she’s here because my Dad and little brother waste their money and can’t take care of themselves so in turn she has to mooch off me. I gave them 4 bags of groceries the other day because it was stuff that we weren’t going to eat but I just don’t feel like I should have to feed them as they are adults and all they do is mooch off everyone. It’s really sad that they have 3 paychecks coming in every month, get EBT, have their house and cars paid off and still can’t afford the shit they need!

My Mom has been home for a week and she’s already paid for my Dad’s haircut, got my little brother’s XBOX out of pawn, bought groceries, put them back on her cell phone plan and god only knows how much else she’s paid for. This is a really sick game of disfunction and co-dependency and somehow, it always ends up affecting me as well.

I would really like to find other people to watch my kid so I am in a position where I never really have to ask my Mom because it ends up becoming super expensive. I always have to give her gas money, buy her smokes and I’ve helped with groceries numerous times. I didn’t want to give them food out of my house the other day because once you start ‘helping’ them then it just becomes expected. It’s just the domino affect where they make sure she spends all her money and then in turn, I get mooched off of too.

It’s really important that I have healthy relationships with everyone because I want my daughter to see that because then if she ever has friendships or relationships, she’s going to know what’s appropriate and what’s not. I grew up to be really submissive and co-dependent and I’m not going to have my daughter being raised that same way. I also wasn’t happy that she watched me put food into bags and hand them to my Dad because she’s going to get old enough to question that shit.

I’ve never really struggled keeping food in my house so I don’t see why it’s so hard for them. I just pay attention to what I buy, how much I spend, and how often. I love having a free standing panty full of snacks and paper products. I also buy plenty of dish soap, hand soap, dryer sheets and everything else we need so that I don’t have to constantly worry about buying it or running out. I don’t understand why in the fuck they can’t do that as well.

I was heavy in my feels last night about my sperm donor. I’m upset that he and his whole family have completely abandoned my kid but I should never have any emotion at all. I saw that he became friends with some girl that I used to work with so I worry that he’s going to put MY business out there and then I have to worry about people sending messages over Facebook because he’s always LOVED to send his flying monkeys. I honestly would prefer that he doesn’t even bother telling anyone he even has a kid. He helped make one and that’s all he’s done.

Sometimes I think about how I would handle the flying monkeys at this point. Part of me would like to send the screenshots of what he owes in CS and the the last time he’s made a payment and how he’s to have health insurance for her and doesn’t and the other part of me doesn’t really care what people believe. No matter what I were to say, I’ll still wake up a single Mom tomorrow. I feel that if people are dumb and narrow-minded enough to believe the pack of lies he delivers, they can just sit on that.

I would just like to move out of this fucking place and then I wouldn’t have to ever care or worry about running into him or anyone else I don’t like. I just don’t feel like I’m ever going to be happy or feel at ease until we move.

Seriously, I have no friends here. I hardly talk to anyone outside of my friend that’s 20 hours away and my Mom. I’ve lived here just about my entire life and have no real connection with anyone. It’s absolutely impossible to find people that aren’t all about drama, using you, or just being a really toxic source. I was lucky enough to get my Mom to come for New Years because I never get to go out because I usually don’t have a sitter but came home pretty early as I don’t have any friends and I’m not one to go sit in a bar by myself.

I’m also irritated that every time I turn around, there’s no school so I get a taste of freedom and start thinking about the future and what I plan to do job wise and then the next thing I know my kid is out of school for at least a week. She was home this week and the time went really slow. Normally she’s out for at least 2 or 3 and it goes super fast.

All I know is I need to schedule a counseling appointment and start dealing with the shit that’s in my head. I’ve always had a lot of shit that I wanted to deal with and never had time because I was busy working my life away. I really wish that I would have been more adamant about having a life outside of my job so that I could have started making my physical and mental health more of a priority. I let that job completely destroy me and now I am still dealing with that in my head.

I’m all about healing and being positive but sometimes, the past and bad memories really have a lasting effect. I want to work again and need to but then I have to worry about childcare. Who’s being left to care for my child, affording it, and having a set schedule because no one is going to want to watch her indefinitely every time I have to work. I still can’t believe the shit I put up with from that job and even though I quit 16 months ago, I’m still terrified that every job is going to be like that even though I know it probably wouldn’t be, and if it is I’ll quit right away. I couldn’t ask someone to basically raise my child because I never get to leave work!

It’s crazy to think about the fact that I haven’t worked a real job in so long and our standard of living is the same, I just get to actually have a touch of freedom now. I spent 7 years of my life letting a job completely take over all of my personal time and I will never allow that again. There was so much back when that I wanted to start working on and never got to.

Being a Mom is definitely the best thing to ever happen to me and I love my child more than life itself. I couldn’t imagine living my life without her. I just want to be the happiest, healthiest version of myself for her. I have a lot of shit that I need to work on and I want to be able to have a really healthy balance between work and my home life. I take being a Mom very seriously and I will never again dump my kid in a daycare where she’s barely ever home. I am still very angry that I went along with that for as long as I did.