The cruelty of in A Childhood Lost

My dad continues to haunt me.
It is one thing to observe, interpret and judge events and the environment which transpires around you. It is another to impose your choices upon those around you, and then blame them for the consequences of your choice. That, ladies and gentlemen, is evil.
I have had a very difficult time trusting. Of being open. Of being vulnerable. I find it basically impossible to regard someone- anyone- without asking myself what they want from me. This basic attitude of distrust, of closed and cold unemotional, frank practicality is the result of being abandoned by my parents.
No one was there when I was born. No one came when I cried in my crib. No one witnessed or celebrated my first words, my first steps, my first anything at all. I had no security, no warmth, no bond, no attachment to anyone. I attached, tragically, to a white baby blanket. It was the only thing that was always there with me. Even though it offered me exactly zero interaction, it at least was present and I could touch it. I could see it. And I could trust in the expectation that it would always be there.
The result of my abandoned infancy was the behavior of an unbonded child with an attachment disorder. I was recalcitrant. I hated the demands imposed upon me. I resented the attention given to me and the expectations demanded of me. I perceived requests for hugs, kisses or affection as payment for my needs being met. I was terrified of being left to die. I did not trust anyone, and my parents possessed zero credibility in my eyes. And sometimes, I was violently opposed.
As one might imagine, an unbonded child is an unpleasant thing to deal with. She doesn’t like you. She doesn’t want to be around you. She doesn’t care about what you want. She’s willful, she’s unhappy, she’s rude, she’s embarrassing. Instead of acknowledging that this is the result and the direct reflection of your own behavior as a parent, it’s much easier to control her bahavior through force. Or manipulation. Or coercion. Or violence and threats of violence. And, eventually you may figure out that it’s even easier to shame and guilt your child into submission.
Lots of parents like the feeling of being respected personally, as in, they’ve bonded enough or created enough of a well of respect within their child that the child can feel secure in relying on that deep well of trust to follow through on a task or demand that seems to them to be counter to their best interest. A child cannot see very far into the future consequences. Neither can a child predict what their long term needs are. They can’t regulate their emotions on their own. They don’t have good self control. For these reasons, children need the love and attention of a mature parent to regulate them, and through that regulation, gain trust in the benevolence of their parent. A genuinely loving parent enjoys this process, because they recognize that they’re providing for the genuine need of the child.
But when there is no bond, when a parent is absent or neglectful, or mean, there is no trust. Not only do the needs of the child go unmet, but the devastation that occurs as a result of those unmet needs is blamed on the child. This child is defiant. This child is disrespectful. This child is a spoiled brat.
For me, it was all of those things. I was hated and called hateful. I was left in the cold and called cold. I was shut out and told that I have no feelings. I was hurt and told that I am hurtful. They created me and they told me I am the problem. They even said that I am incapable of love.