Overthinking, Sunlight, and Monsters in Phoenix Rises Again

The show was amazing on a whole new level. But of course now I’m overthinking every social encounter I had the entire night, like I do.

Jay jumped off the stage and proposed to his girlfriend and it was fucking magical. When he told me he was gonna propose that night I was worried she’d have a panic attack from all the attention but I didn’t want to ruin his big moment. I know he probably spent a lot of time thinking out that proposal. Of course she said yes! And it was the sweetest proposal. He said it was the end of an era and the beginning of a something new. His family came from Wisconsin to be there for it and video it. There was an afterparty with cake and it was amazing.

I felt so privileged that he told me ahead of time. I got big huge hugs. He reassured me he wasn’t done with music forever but needed to focus on his career and save for a house. He reassured me it wasn’t the last time I’d ever see him. I don’t know whether to believe that or not but it was a nice thing for him to say and I didn’t expect that reassurance.

Another big thing happened. I talked to Megan. While she still refuses to acknowledge that we knew each other in high school I just skirted around that bit. No point in making her uncomfortable while I’m trying to connect. I’ll just let them keep up their charade until they feel comfortable getting real with me. I told her I liked her when I met her the first time and that my first impressions are almost always right. I suggested that we could do great things together because she’s a powerful person and I am too. I asked her to think of something impossible she wanted to do and we could do it together. She said her life was boring. I asked her to think of something improbable that she wanted to do. She said she couldn’t think of anything so I told her to think about it and let me know.

Then she opened up. She told me some very deep private things I never in a million years thought she’d trust me with. Maybe it was just because she was drunk. But she trusted me. Shit got real. I promised her I wouldn’t tell anybody. I talked a little bit about my trauma too but only a very little. I wasn’t going to interrupt her when she was finally opening up and starting to process some difficult things. Talking about it can be a very important step and I’m honored to be one of the few she trusted with it outside her family and very close knit circle.

I hope that she doesn’t regret talking to me about it and that I hear from her again. Shot her a message this morning. I know she won’t reply right away so I’m trying not to get anxious about it. And about everything.

I even talked to Tia. She told me her daughter has been diagnosed with autism. I wish we talked outside of shows since they won’t be happening anymore because I have so many questions and the diagnostic process. I’ve been trying to get professionals to diagnose my son for a few years but I’ve gotten so much push back.

I met some new people. Discovered one of the other bands is starting something new and looking for a singer. Maybe I’ll go to jam night and check it out. Not to be their new singer, the stage is not for me, I’m far too anxious, but maybe see what goes down at jam night and solidify some connections. Itd be good to have a regular thing. Not sure this is it given the amount of alcohol such an environment might require but it could be fun once in a while. Smaller than a show but with local music and the same community.

Now my brain won’t shut off. Finally got some sleep but as soon as I wake up again its wired again. Thinking and rethinking and having fake conversations and questioning the statistics on this and that. Just bouncing around like usual but harder lol.

That show though… it was the sunlight. I like to say that having depression is like living in a world that’s almost always night. It’s dark and cold and uncomfortable but every once in a while, a sunlight day happens. The rest of the world gets sunlight everyday. They have good moods and good days every day. But us with MDD aren’t used to sunlight so when it happens the whole world is amazing and beautiful and we can see colors we forgot existed the the warmth feels like a whole room full of love just for us and everything is amazing just gor one day. I’m floating on that sunlight and remembering what it was like to feel this way every time I saw Jay and got a hug and a smile.

And remembering when he was the only person who could make me smile. How he was the reason I survived such a difficult time in my life. His friendship meant everything to me and to my life. He taught me so many important things without even meaning to. Like how you’ll never be able to do something until you try and if you cant the first time you just keep trying until you can. And how there’s always something to look forward to. And how painful giving up would be to my son. How much a boy needs his mom. And that it’s okay to cry and sometimes crying can help. And just so many important life lessons.

Of course I can only say things like that to him a few at a time because I don’t want to give him so many compliments that his self image becomes larger than reality. If that happens it will crumble and he’ll have to start all over and build himself up again. Another friend of mine taught me that it can be very unhealthy to praise a narcissist too much because it makes it harder for them to see the world realistically and that can make everything worse.

I’m still really upset about the amazing amount of pompous stigmatizing that the media has done to people with personality disorders. Especially the b clusters. There’s some slow amount of support building for those with Borderline but the Narcisiists and Psychopaths are getting it worse than ever as more and more laymen start using those terms to refer to their abusers. Therapists theorizing that the abuser might have been a narcissist is unhelpful. They cant diagnose with out actually spending time with a person and their patients hear this little theory and assume its fact and suddenly the world appears to be full of abusive narcissists. Does anyone ever talk about the ones who actually got help and are managing their condition well so they don’t hurt anyone? No. And that’s why so few of them seek help. The world will see them as monsters bo matter how hard they try so why try? Why go through all the effort to be a healthy person if it’ll just result in a doctor looking at you with fear in their eyes on a weekly basis and a paper trail that could destroy your social life and all your relationships? As long as we keep calling people monsters for having a mental health disorder they never chose we will always have monsters. We make them monsters and then we keep them that way by stigmatizing their condition so they don’t seek help.

And this is why I decided to be a doctor originally. So I can be in a position to make a difference for those people and cause real change. Because I want to heal “monsters”. Because I love “monsters”. Those so called “monsters” have been my friends and my family. They’ve been my support and my abuse. And the difference is that some are willing to try to be better and the others refuse to acknowledge that there’s anything wrong. That’s the only difference.

Toxic people pass on toxic traits. To their children and to their lovers. One person gets abused in a relationship and then goes on to abuse their next partner and doesn’t get help until it’s too late. Do I feel bad for them? No. It was their responsibility to see that they needed help and to go get it before they hurt someone. And if they decide afterwards that they’d rather hurt their partner more by taking their voice away than going and getting the help they need at whatever cost to themselves then they better not let me be there when they make their thinly veiled threats. Because I sometimes have trouble remembering that I’m to the judge and executioner. I try. I know I must. But I hate seeing people hurt by those they lived and trusted. Especially when they manipulate them afterwards to cover it up.

I remember feeling guilty after I was in an abusive relationship the first time because he has always told me if I loved him and respected him I wouldn’t talk about our problems with anyone else. I was worried every time I opened my mouth that he’d come back and hurt me again. It wasn’t until he died that I started to feel safe again. The next one was easier. I saw the signs. Even after he got physical I kept trying to fix it thinking I was doing the right thing. Until I heard him say, “This wasn’t supposed to happen, you just make me so angry. Why did you have to make me angry?” That’s when I knew there was no going back.

I remembered all the times my mom said that. And my dad saying “you shouldn’t make your mom angry. This is what happens....” I remembered my ex telling me that I deserved worse and someday somebody was gonna teach me a lesson. I remembered all the times someone hurt me and blamed it on me and I knew. I was watching him become a monster. And I couldn’t fix it anymore. I may be a healer and I may want to heal monsters but a person can’t heal their own abuser. Only the abuser can fix it by seeking help. And I watch myself now, after having hurt my friends, I watch myself for signs that I’m becoming a monster. Just in case. So I can fix it before I hurt anyone. Before I lose anyone.

How to rid the world of monsters? Don’t let yourself become one. Sounds easy. It’s harder than it sounds. But quite possible. Quite necessary. People do it all the time.