M's First Ever Sleepover in Days of My Destiny

This visit has gone a lot better than other visits. I am managing my frustrations SO-HO-HO much better. Not only that, but some things that frustrated me and made my blood boil a few months ago, I can now see with humour. I think that a few months ago, I wasn't thinking quite rationally because I was so desperate to feel my emotions and just be allowed to do this. Whereas now, I just see that well..... people live differently. And that's okay. There is still one thing that frustrates me and that is how L and I don't get a lot of privacy when they are here. While I know this is true in most situations with visitors, it's exaggerated when his parents are here, because they honestly don't KNOW the concept of giving you your space or privacy. One thing about this situation that HAS changed, is that I now know and (mostly) accept that it's something I cannot change or do anything about. I know I just have to suck it up, which helps. Slightly. The other night I was very... angry almost..... L is on night shift, so when he leaves at 10pm each night, his dad will stand around until the minute that he leaves. EVEN when L and I are trying to say night night. It's like.... can you LEAVE? I just want to say goodbye to my husband. Really.

Tomorrow is little L's 3rd birthday party. Her birthday isn't for another 10 days or so, but I thought it'd be nice to celebrate it while L's parents are here. Plus, tomorrow's date is fitting, seeing as it is the official due date I had (and then she was born 10 days later lol - cooked to perfection!). I have made her a snake cake. She loves ALL sorts of animals. Remember I wrote about how she picked a plush snake at the wildlife park, of all the other cute and cuddly koalas and platypuses and so on? So a snake cake it is!!! LOL. It was actually the husband's idea and I went with it! I had thought of making a rainbow cake, one of those where each layer is a different colour. She LOVES rainbows and she says it almost everyday. Sometimes when she prays before bed she'll even say, "Thank you for rainbows and rain." LMAO. Anyway so I've ended up making rainbow cupcakes :)

M's best friend will be at the party and will stay here afterwards for a sleepover. It is all very exciting. M has had another friend stay over before, and that was good, but this time it's like.... M is so SUPER excited because it's her very very best friend that is staying over!!! (cute)

Allowing M to go to her best friend's house for a sleepover the other night was a HUGE process I had to go through. It all started as TALK. The girls were talking about having sleepovers ages ago, and then the best friend's mum said that perhaps we'd have to organize something over the holidays since they were talking about it so much. Then two weeks ago at church, they were talking about it again. I mentioned to the best friend's mum that I'd like to have the best friend over for a day to play and that I could pick her up and drop her off if that suited. The mum then suggested the sleepover again, saying that the girls were already organizing who would sleep where. I laughed at this cuteness and agreed. In my head I was agreeing to a sleepover in the next few months or something. But 5 days later, the mum messaged me about it - and I agreed. Not because I just let my daughter go off with anyone - on the contrary - this is crazy stuff. But the mum is actually a friend of mine too, and I just KNOW that I can trust her. She is one of two people in this town that I would count on in case of emergencies and stuff, so that's pretty good. Plus, I see how she is with her children, I see how her children are CONFIDENT kids, TRULY HAPPY kids. So I said yes. I didn't think TOO much about it, but about two days before the fact, I visualised doing dinnertime and bedtime without my big girl. It was horrible, I felt an absence in my heart and I tried to dismiss it as one of those First Time Mum things (after all, this was HER first sleepover, but also MY first night without her because of this sleepover!). But then, that night, after getting the youngest one up for the toilet, I could not go back to sleep, thinking about the sleepover. I had all sorts of thoughts going on in my head. The first one was that I could not believe she was going away for a night, at such a small age, all because I had agreed. When really, it would've been so simple for me to say NO, except I didn't think of it at the time, I just went along with whatever. I was berating myself for that. I was thinking about how before I had kids, I always said I'd do no sleepovers until they were at LEAST ten, and then after my first baby was born, I thought no sleepovers until at LEAST fifteen. What had happened to that?? What if M wakes up in the middle of the night and gets scared because she's not at home and she's forgotten what she was up to? [This thought alone made me feel small and scared.] What if she decides in the middle of the night she wants to go home? What if she decides she doesn't want to stay there when it's time for me to leave after dropping her off? What if for some reason she just has any scary experience? .........What if this is the worst decision I ever make? What if this is the one thing that makes or breaks the rest of her childhood? What if something happens to her that is completely inappropriate that will scar her for life? What if she blames me forever for it? Because I WOULD be responsible. I couldn't shake it, and I was thinking about the father in that household. I knew these thoughts weren't coming from anything to do with him, but rather from my own family history and personal background. I kept recollecting memories of the times I've spent with the father of that household, and times I've seen him with his kids - trying to find any memory that might cause doubt in my head about him or any reason to suddenly dislike him in that adult-child relationship. Of course, I found nothing. But still, the thoughts were like, "But you never know what happens behind closed doors." I really really had trouble going back to sleep, and when I thought about her not being here in our home or near me, must across the hallway, my breathing got faster. I didn't think about it the next day until the girls had been put to bed and L and I had finished watching TV for the night. It came to me and so I spoke to him about it. I told him I was anxious about it and that I sort of felt like I was wishing I hadn't said yes and that it was too late now, but not really because I could still cancel, it wasn't too late to cancel if I really wanted to, but I didn't want to disappoint the best friend and they've probably already organized so many things and bla bla bla. L listened. I told him how I'd had trouble falling asleep and all my thoughts. He listened calmly. And in the end, he held me gently and told me everything would be all right. He told me to just trust God with this one. Those words - coming from him - just really made me see that that was God's message to me. I realised that God has not put horrible people in my path down here. He has not put us in a place that will harm us. He has not provided M a friend that comes from a horrible family. We prayed for a friend for her when we first moved here, and He has come through (and through) for us. For ALL of us. Not only have we found a friend for M, we have found a friend for each of us. These people are good hearted people, and L's words made me see that. I felt a calm that I had needed to feel. He also said that on M's part, if she DID get worried at any time and wanted to come home for any reason, we were only a phone call away, it didn't matter what time of day or night it was. So wise. (I love that he was brought up with this stuff. Even on his most drunken nights out, his parents knew were he was and always made sure he knew to call them if he needed to. And he did, many times, and many times his father made a midnight or 3 or 5am trip out to some random place to collect his son. THAT is unconditional love. My parents...... never allowed me to be myself, parties or no parties involved. You had to speak and act the way they expected in order to avoid suspicion. One night, I'd been to my brother's house, and when he dropped me off, mum was all up in my face asking me what the red was in my eyes. She thought I was high, when at that time, I'd never in my whole life even SEEN marijuana!!!!] Anyhow...........................................................

So that's how I came to be okay with my having had said YES to M's first ever sleepover.

That afternoon at home without her, things were totally fine. Even L was completely fine without her big sister (although of course she'd be used to SOME level of absence, given that M is now a school girl! But that had not occurred to me until we were happily chilling out at home without M.) I didn't want to have dinner at our formal dinner table though (like we normally do when L's parents are here), because she wasn't here. There was no way I'd be having dinner at the "special occasion" table if she wasn't here. That night, I did the normal bedtime routine with L, and L was fine. I lay there, next to L, thinking about how much more of her movements I noticed. My left arm also felt empty. Usually M is laying on it, and I caress her hair. Sometimes I don't caress her hair, but I feel her thick, wild hair brushing against my face and cheeks. Sometimes it tickles my nose even. My arms felt empty and my cheeks felt bare. I didn't dwell on it, or feel it. I just noticed it. L went to sleep without a single problem. I hung out a bit until L went to work. His parents went to bed. I went to bed. I had trouble falling asleep, but eventually exhaustion got the better of me. At one point during the night, I thought about her. I wasn't quite awake, but I wasn't quite asleep, either. In my mind, I could see M's silhouette, including her crazy wild hair. I wanted to hug her and see her face, but I couldn't see her face. Finally I could, but her face wasn't quite HER face. It was very similar, and the child was smiling, and it was my daughter but it wasn't my daughter. And I said in this half-dream-state, "That's not my daughter's face. I want to see my daughter." And the child's face changed, to show a different face. Also similar to M's, but not quite. It was frustrating!!! I ended up shouting (in my head), "I just want to see my daughter!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" And then I think I got a glimpse of her face and my soul was able to rest. I slept soundly for the rest of the night.

The next morning, of course I couldn't wait to go and get her!!!! She was happy to see us again but not in a hurry to leave (understandably lol), but eventually we did leave. I think she was happy to leave, knowing that her best friend is coming for a sleepover soon anyway. That night at bedtime, I asked M if she missed me and she said no, but then she said she missed my singing and laying on my arm. This touched me so so SO very much, because I LOVE singing to my children at bedtime. It was what I always always wanted with my babies at bedtime along with cuddles, but it just wasn't what SHE wanted as a baby, so it never really happened properly until THIS YEAR. So for her to say she MISSED my singing, was just .... huge. Overwhelming. My heart swelled and cried at the same time. I also LOVED that she said she missed laying on my arm, because it was then I knew that that time in our day is just as special for her as it is for me. No matter what kind of day we've had, and no matter what sort of mischief she's trying to get into at bedtime.... I KNOW now, with certainty, that that time is just as special for her as it is for me.