Heaven in Ultimate Randomness

There were alot of things I could write this entry about, but after dropping off my coworker at home and being on my way back to my house, this song came on my ipod. That would be "Heaven" by Los Lonely Boys. Now, I could put down all the lyrics to the song, because it pretty well describes where I am in life right now, but I will choose just a few. On second thought, I'll just paste a copy from Lyrics A-Z:

"Heaven"

Save me from this prison Lord help me get away Cause only you can save me now From this misery Cause I've been lost in my own place And I'm getting' weary How far is heaven And I know I need to change My ways of livin' How far is heaven, Lord can you tell me

Cause I've been locked up way too long In this crazy world, how far is heaven I just keep on prayin' Lord Just keep on livin', how far is heaven Lord can you tell me, how far is heaven I just got to know how far, how far is heaven Lord can you tell me

Tu que estas en alto cielo, Echame tu bendiciòn [translated from Spanish] [You that's in a higher place Send me down a blessing]

Cause I know there's a better place Than this place I'm livin', how far is heaven So I just got to show some faith And just keep on giving, how far is heaven Lord can you tell me, how far is heaven I just wanna know how far, how far is heaven, Lord can you tell me, how far is heaven, 'cause I just gotta know how far, I just wanna know far

That is a perfect description of where I am right now. I am tired of the world, I have no idea when it will get better, I am doing everything I can to be a good person, but I know I need to change something. Still, I am pretty sure that the only way out of this mess is with some help from God: a sign, a break, anything. And until it comes, I'll do the best I can. Put simply, I am not going to be able to get myself out of this mess I'm in. I just don't have that steel left in my heart and soul that I used to have. The last nine months have completely taken the rest of it out of me. I need a win. I need a sign. I need someone or something to remind me of why I should even care anymore. Otherwise, I am left to my own devices and while I will gladly do things to help others, I will never act on my own behalf. If I am the only beneficiary of my actions, then likely, I am not going to act. Over time, my unhealthy diet and lifestyle will eventually destroy my health. I'll die in my 40s of a heart attack most likely. Maybe earlier depending on stress. I will die alone. And I have been on that path since I turned 16. Only some extreme good will change that. I will never find it in me to save myself. So likely, I might as well just accept my fate, cause nobody else is gonna do for me. Why should they? Everyone has their own problems, their own lives to live. It is hard enough to do that in this day and age without having to pull someone else up to their feet. If you fall, you are going to get trampled. That is life in the modern age. The new survival of the fittest. The next step in evolution. Those who adapt survive and I am a product of a by-gone era. I don't fit here.