I feel a bit in Journal

weird, today.
IF what I had last month was the ‘Rona, the past 2 days was just a little after-blip or something. Same symptoms, but shorter and milder. Today I have a bit of that feeling you get when you sleep too much. Kind of bleary and tired-y, but also not really tired. Could just be that I actually slept too much.
Finding it easier and more satisfying to leave behind crazy people online. For some reason I felt personally responsible if my arguments failed on these people. Like it is because of me that reason and evidence does not persuade them from pursuing dangerous, irrational, and destructive behaviors.
But that is crazy. I understand the compulsion to feel like I have to keep trying to explain. The compulsion of course is being denied any influence or ability to negotiate as a child. So I made up the story about how my parents just didn’t understand, and it was my fault for not explaining it in a way they understood. It was my fantasy to keep alive the desperate hope that my parents loved me and that the reason they hurt me so profoundly was just that I was a poor communicator.
Obviously, I am not a poor communicator.
I may not be good at many things. But being concise, precise, and expressive and not one of them.
It has become a new fascination of mine, to experience a new sense of confidence and self esteem derived not from the reflections of everyone around me, but from the reflections of rationality. It is a new sort of awareness that I have nurtured; an awareness of my own skepticism of my thoughts, and the subsequent comparison of those thoughts to objective standards. It is this same awareness that observes other people’s thinking. I accept the curiosity, or lack of curiosity, on their part without any personal pride or condemnation. Perhaps I did ask an illuminating question that throws light on a paradox in their mind, but it is their fundamental choice whether to be curious about that paradox, or to be closed.
Of course I like curious people, and dislike the closed ones. It goes without saying that everyone prefers truth to falsehood; it’s not just what we always say, it is how we behave. There is no point in arguing any different, as it would only prove the point that you are acting in a way to prove you are correct.
The fact that my preference is not personal is somehow comforting.
The fact that I can in no way be personally responsible for acting as if I prefer non-paradoxical thinkers over paradoxical ones is a relief. It is a relief because, it seems like everyone these days wants to blame everyone else for their problems. Including the consequences of paradoxical thinking.