jan 06//2022 - death by 21 in Journal 2022

At 21, the decision if I live or if I die will be made.
this kinda hit me like a train at 16, 17 saying this felt like I had a century to choose. a century before college ended and I was basically a real adult.
my birthday is in a few months, less than three. i will have only 2 more years.
do I leave, do I stay. do I forget about everyone here, do I move on and become a normie, a mundane, a freaking civilian.
its scary and I’ve been scared to write about it. i really really have. i had to basically force myself to get out my laptop and write today.
yesterday, I watched a drama and calmed down. dying won’t be scary, I won’t die, I’ll just be reborn.
but I’m scared. I’m scared it’s all a lie. I’m scared I won’t come back. I’m scared I won’t wake up and see mom or my brothers or friends or joseph again. joseph would die, he can’t live without me. I’m going to hurt him and it eats me alive because even if I don’t die, I will still leave and it won’t be me typing, it won’t be writing but it will be ME and how can someone even explain to the person they love this without sounding insane or like delusional?

Last updated January 07, 2022