One Thing I Know in Ultimate Randomness

So, if you have been reading this diary for some time, you know a little bit about D. If you are new to my diary or just happened upon this entry, I will fill you in a little. D is a girl that I have been talking to a little over the last month or so. We have alot of interests in common. She is a big fan of doing things outdoors: canoeing, hiking, and so forth. Somehow, I worked up the courage to ask her out. It was tough because she is gorgeous. I am not a bad looking guy, or a great looking one, but she is damn near a 10 if she isn't one. Now, she has made it clear that she just wants to be friends right now, but she never ruled out the possibility of something developing eventually, so I am more than willing to play along. We still haven't had a chance to hang out yet, but for good reason. For the last month or so, the company she works for has been sending her on visits to their distributors in other states. As such, she has been on the road 5 or 6 days out of every 7 for the last month. When she is home, I have been trying not to bug her so she can spend time with her two kids or other family. But yeah, that has made it hard to get much time to talk to her, let alone figure out when we can hang out. In fact, I haven't even had an opportunity to talk to her since a week ago this past Monday. And if you have been reading this diary, you probably know that I have been talking myself out of trying to inject myself into her like because I think that I will complicate things for her, even as a friend, more than she needs.

So that is where we stand right now. But there is something that I realized today. No matter what I do, no matter how I try, I can't get her off my mind. And it would be easy enough to say that it is because she is beautiful and successful, but that isn't all of it. Let's face it, I see women every day. There are plenty of them that are beautiful and successful that I see once and don't think twice about. Now sure, I have had a crush on D since the very moment I laid eyes on her, but I have always been realistic about it. When I was still in a marriage, I never would have acted on it, though I basically had a "hall pass" and lord knows I wanted to. But that isn't the kind of guy I am. But in the last few months, she has occupied my mind more and more and, on top of that, thinking about her gives me a peace and ease of mind that I don't have otherwise. And to be honest, I have missed talking to her. She is one of the few people that I have met that I feel like I can tell anything that's on my mind and not be judged for it. Now sure, I am not going to tell her all this just like I am not going to tell her about the poem I posted in one of my other books. I tell ya though, when I see her picture, and I see those green eyes, I wish and I dream about waking up and looking in those eyes. I am perfectly capable of letting this friendship be a friendship, but I want more. I want her. There, I said it. I want her, all of her. In pretty much any way possible. Like I said, I can control myself, and I will. Because what she wants and what she needs is more important to me. I just hope she gives me the opportunity. I hope she gives me a chance. I feel like if she does, I might just be that guy who finally treats her the way she deserves. She doesn't need me, and I am fine with that. I don't want to be needed...well, I don't want to only be needed. I want someone who wants to be with me and will stick with me and stand by me the way I would do for them. I am loyal, sometimes to a fault, but it is one of the characteristics about myself I like most and would never change. When I love, the person I love will always have a piece of me, and, as has always been the case, the only way I will go away is if they want me to. I am kinda hoping that I find the person who feels that way about me someday, preferably soon. If you couldn't tell, it would be a huge bonus if maybe, I already had. All I can do is try to see where this goes.