Going Underground in Ultimate Randomness

I normally wouldn't write two entries in this book in such a short period of time, but there was something I needed to address for some of you who read me regularly. Sorry if that sounds ominous or angry, because that isn't how it is meant. I realize I have written alot on this site since I started this very book back in December of last year. As such, I probably haven't explained why I react the way I do to things in my life now based on aspects of my past. Of course, with 32 years on this planet, that is alot of past to cover and I probably can't go over all of that again in this entry. Now, if you go back and read some of the past entries, you might get some insight into why I am about to write what I am going to write.

See, after a few years of high school, I had made peace with being alone. I figured I was going to be alone, with just my few friends, for the rest of my life and die a virgin. And further, I had made my peace with all of that. I didn't count on anything that has happened since happening, but of course it did. I let myself open up to the possibility that I could be around people and be with someone and be happy. And for a time, I was. Happy with life, happy with people, happy in general for the first time in a long time. Of course, if you have read along, you have at least some idea of what happened. I am really sorry to not explain it again for any new readers, but it is a long and complicated story that I have detailed multiple times in this diary. I hate to sound rude, but if you need some insight, you will just have to read back. And I hope you do. If nothing else, this diary is a "How To Not..." about life. I am a great example of what not to do. Anyhow, the point I am trying to make with this entry is that I have heard what some of you have told me. What it seems everyone has told me: that I need to be happy with myself and by myself before I can be happy with someone else. And that is great advice, it truly is...normally. But what these last 14 years have done, especially with the help of the ex, is bring me out of my shell. I am a shy person by nature and it is hard for me to talk to people period, let alone about anything of substance. I guess that is what this diary has been for lately. So yes, I could shut it down and get comfortable by myself. But if there is anything I know for sure about myself, it is that if I follow this advice and remove myself from trying to be in a relationship, and be happy by myself, I will retreat. I will be by myself, but I will never come back out of that shell. I will remove myself from people period and be a hermit. Sure, I will work and support myself, but I won't put myself back out there again with people, ever. In essence, I will go back underground and never come back out. I'll just learn to be happy by myself and stay there, because by myself, I can't get hurt. So let me say, I am thankful for those of you who read and am more than grateful for the advice, I am just the way I am. It's sad that a person like me, who would prefer to do things for others instead of himself would remove himself from society rather than put himself out there, but that is just the way it is. Sorry....