Hard on the Friendship in Current Events

Bev gave me a lot to think about regarding Toni. It’s been weighing on my mind. She is an addict. She isn’t drinking a bottle of wine and then some every day anymore she is just going to get high first thing in the morning and keep that buzz all day long. She only drinks on her weekends. Stoners in general, are gross. Her alcoholism has affected me in a lot of ways and in every situation, she was the victim. Classic. Her problem is that she feels lonely. Maybe when you murder your unborn child you aren’t meant to feel fulfilled? She could have the unconditional love of a son or daughter right now but she was just too selfish. Now she feels lonely. Nothing helps. She has panic attacks about it. She has tried to make that my problem. I tried to be a good friend to help her through her shit but it’s too toxic because she is too toxic. She switched one vice with another. Maybe this is just her karmic punishment for the violent death of her unborn? Her loneliness. Bev thinks I need to reconsider Toni as a roommate because I’m just going to keep getting what I’m getting from her. That’s what I’m thinking about now.

Tomorrow, I am aiming to find a clinic to get a prescription for an asthma inhaler. Every symptom of my sinus infection is gone but once that tickle in my lungs starts my whole day is ruined. Cold air, cold drink, or cold food is the trigger. I just want to be back at work already. I’m so bored.

“I’ll pay the damage deposit and the first month’s rent,” Toni said to me. She wanted to rush the move because she thought a roommate would mean that she would never feel lonely again. Then it was “I’ll pay the security on hydro.” It was “I have everything” to “it’s too hard to dig it up so you have to make every single purchase and I’ll just use everything you own.” Then it was “take groceries out of what you send me for rent” then it was “let’s not split groceries”, then it was “let’s split groceries just carry the whole weight of it all until the end of the month for me” then it was I pay the hydro and you pay the internet. She would get drunk, snap at me over something small. I’d come home and she would be passed out on the couch drunk with drool dried up on her face on a Monday. I always had wine to clean off everything. She often tried to hide when she was drinking. She would be walking into walls, swearing, it was like walking on eggshells around her.

I open up to her for the first time about what my family was going through with my grandmother getting clots after her clot shot and her response? “You better get it, I’m not paying your share of the rent if you get fired. You haven’t been paying your share around here!” She turned the entire evening into the world owes Toni show. She was convinced I owed her a lot of money. We were seven months in and she hasn’t paid a cent for groceries yet. For anything. I had all of the receipts, a week later I showed her how much she actually owes me. How much of the expenses she left up to me. We square up, we start getting along again but her drinking continues. She only stopped a month or two ago, just on her weekends. But she has to be high all the time. It’s super annoying to witness. She is an adult. This apartment is freezing, she is walking around with a jacket because she is in and out of that balcony to smoke up. No regard for anyone else especially the landlord’s rules. She is catsitting, we are not allowed pets. She is painting her room, we are not allowed to do that either. She gives no shits beyond what she wants when she wants it.

My body hasn’t expressed illness in years, everybody is making this a big deal and it is very annoying. Toni has taken this and turned it all around to be about her. This is happening to her. She thinks it is covid and she even thinks she gave it to me because her coworkers come to work after testing positive and she’s just got a lot of attitude about my illness because she feels like I am deliberately trying to undermine her checks. This is all she can think about.

Anyway, moving in with a friend always risks the friendship. She is a very selfish self-centered person. I deserve better. She deserves better from herself but she is deeply too stubborn to change. She will always choose to suffer.